How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, its a hardware problem!

You have just received the “Kentucky Virus” !!!
As we ain’t got no programin’ experience……… this here Virus works
on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward
this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.

If computer error messages were haikus:

First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: “My Novel”
not found.

Three things are certain: death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which
has occurred.

A file that big? It might be very useful, but now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears
your screams.

Errors have occurred. We won’t tell you where or why. Lazy
programmers.

The code was willing. It considered your request, but the chips
were weak.

Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy?

This site has been moved. We’d tell you where, but then we’d
have to delete you.

ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much.

The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist.

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

Having been erased, the document you’re seeking must now be retyped.

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both
are blank.

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

“Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about
them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”

“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

Follow the directions carefully.

1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left
testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the “1″ key.
Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below
that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably
something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumber-
jacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).

2. Grasp your penis in your right hand and slap it firmly
across the number key row on your keyboard. (For
instance, the result could be “1234567890-+”)

3. Place a copy of Playboy open to the centerfold at a
distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your penis on the keyboard
and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes
or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above
test.

Cautions:

1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew
the results.

2. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want
to swab it down with alcohol first.

3. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to
keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON’T BE AFRAID TO
USE IT. Test can also be used to diagnose some genital
disorders:

Test Results Diagnosis

1 — You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 — You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn — Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes
called Jerker’s Lean.

12wgui,l=3D]\ — Seek immediate medical care.

I turn on my computer and I’m looking for some action.
I see my online lover and beg for satisfaction.
We go to a private room and you know what happens next.
We think and type and talk about different kinds of sex.

Just about 9 days pass and I find I’m feeling ill.
Maalox, Pepto–NOTHING will make my stomach chill.
I mention it to my online love & we try to figure it out.
A few more days have passed & my stomach’s sticking out!

So, now my head is spinning I don’t know what to do.
I’m having sex with no one–EXCEPT…my online boo.
No, wait just a minute. Please tell me this can’t be!
He cannot get me pregnant by having cyber sex with me!

I call the local clinic and explain the situation.
All the nurses laugh at me, I’m crying in frustration.
My stomach’s getting bigger with every passing day.
Who would have thought you could get pregnant this way?

A pregnancy test was taken, it came back with a yes.
I IMed my online lover and put him to the test.
I told him of my feelings and all my gaining weight.
I told him we were parents and gave him my due date.

When all the shock was over, he gave me an online *kiss*.
He told me that he loved me & he’d help me get through this.
My stomach starts to ache I go run to my mom.
I feel the need and start to push & out pops a CD ROM!!

I put it in the computer and while I wait, I pace.
When soon on my computer, comes a beautiful baby’s face!
You know this story’s fiction but before you take a risk,
put on a cyber condom…before you get some cyber dick!

Many colleges and business’s tend to strip the last name down to 6
characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or
end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson =
mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the
problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people
to choose from.
Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have
some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individualinvolved,
however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
===============================

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -
dickinme@iup.edu

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -
beeranbj@myplace.com

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
Overton
Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys “R” Us) - ihadcock@tru.com

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get
1000 miles to the gallon.”

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding,
“Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

And . . .

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to
fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some
strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless
you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy
more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would
only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades
to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single “general car default” warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say “are you sure?” before going off.

Speaking of “Microsoft,” here are a few strains of virus’ in the image
of the famous I love you virus…

— The “Little Virus Of The Evening” virus will do anything to your
computer–if you’re willing to pay the right price.

— The “Stalker” virus spends unnatural amounts of time
monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has
thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.

— The “Happily Married” virus invades only one computer and
stays with it for life.

— The “Unhappily Married” virus spends a long time negotiating
with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other
computers from time to time.

— The “I Can’t Commit” virus hangs around a computer for a long
time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but
is really just interested in playing with your computer’s data.

And then there was the kid who asked his VERY wealthy Dad for a
Mickey Mouse Outfit. The dad gave him Microsoft.