-Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the
heel.
-He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the
way down.
-No grain in the silo.
-Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
-Surfing in Nebraska.
-Too much yardage between the goal posts.

HONOR VIRUS — New virus works on the honor system! Please delete
all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone
you know. Thank you for your cooperation.

A software engineer met his end and found himself at the Pearly
Gates. The Gatekeeper greeted him and tallied the score. “Your
record is pretty good, Mr. Programmer. Your sins and your good
deeds just about balance out. Tell you what - you may have your
own choice of either Heaven or Hell.” The engineer, weary of design
tradeoffs and wary of uninformed decisions, asked for more details.

“Sure,” replied the Gatekeeper. Here is the elevator. You can ride
up and see Heaven and down to see Hell. Take your time and make your
choice. But choose wisely, there is no turning back!” So the
engineer rode the elevator up and took a look at Heaven. He saw the
angels playing on their harps and the beatific look on the faces of
the faithful, blissfully flitting back and forth among the clouds.
“Well, that looks about like what I expected,” he said to himself.
“Let’s go take a look at the alternative.” So he rode down the
elevator to the floor labelled “HELL” and looked around there. To
his delight he found sandy beaches, beautiful women, snow-capped
mountains in the background, and parties going on all over.

Returning to the Gates, he had no problem informing the Gatekeeper
of his decision. “Heaven looks fine, but pretty boring to me. Hell
is what I have always dreamed of! Let me in.” The Gatekeeper handed
him an entry pass and the engineer went back down the elevator to
take his place in Hell. But to his surprise, the sun had gone out,
the snow had melted and the parties were over. There was fire and
brimstone, snakepits swarming with vipers, fiends torturing sinners,
and devils tormenting babies. “Wait!” he cried as two monsters
hauled him off to the chambers of eternal agony.

“What happened to the beach parties, fun and sunshine I saw before?”
“Oh,” replied the Devil. “That was just the demo.”

……….. and the moral of the story is: with a good marketing
department, you can sell anything.

It’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it
is far more insidious than last week’s Chernobyl menace. Named
Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to writing,
it returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors.
It is deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious
spell checkers that come with word processing programs.

The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate
America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing
words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of
LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered
him helpless. “Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail
this morning, I got back this error message: ‘Your dependent clause
preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas, but
one must not precede the conjunction.’ I threw my laptop across
the room.”

A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company,
10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: “This morning, the same damned e-mail
kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to
use a pronoun’s possessive case before a gerund. With the number
of e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar?
Whoever created this virus should have their programming fingers
broken.”

A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn’t return to the
“bad, old” days when he had to send paper memos in proper English.
He speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a
“disgruntled English major who couldn’t make it on a trading floor.
When you’re buying and selling on margin, I don’t think it’s anybody’s
business if I write that ‘i meetinged through the morning, then
cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling down the xway.’ ”

If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end
to a communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver.
A study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail
increased employees’ productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they
took less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also
found that they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were
e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses, parents, and stockbrokers.)

Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn’t
come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open
it before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the
text of an e-mail entitled “Congratulations on your pay raise.” The
message asks the recipient to “click here to find out about how your
raise effects your pension.” The use of “effects” rather than the
grammatically correct “affects” appears to be an inside joke from
Strunkenwhite’s mischievous creator.

The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray.
Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer
transmit electronic versions of federal regulations because their
highly technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite’s
dictum that “vigorous writing is concise.” The White House
speechwriting office reported that it had received the same message,
along with a caution to avoid phrases such as “the truth is… ”
and “in fact….”

Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer
who used the word “snafu” said she had come to regret it. The virus
can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire
network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer
system for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had
somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts
and leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with
proper sentence structure.

There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite
is a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are
using to exploit the vulnerability of business’s reliance on computers.
“This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer
code we have ever encountered. We just can’t imagine what kind of
devious mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden
on communications,” said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via
the telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments could
leave him tied up for hours.

The following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
another game?

6. Windows message: ‘Error saving file! Format drive
now? (Y/Y)’

7. This is a message from God Gates: ‘Rebooting the world.
Please log off.’

8. To ’shut down’ your system, type ‘WIN’

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and
press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup.
(PENCIL and PAPER.SYS)

16. User Error: Replace user.

17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - ‘Windows found: Remove it?
(Y/N)’

18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen
software titles have been deleted. The police are on
the way.

19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient

20. Netscape.exe… Bad file name… May we suggest M/S
Internet Explorer? (Y/y)

It has come to our attention recently that many of you
have been turning in timesheets that specify large
amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309).
To our department, unproductive time isn’t a problem.
What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what
you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached
below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job
code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount
of precision what you are doing during your unproductive
time. Please begin using this job code list immediately
and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Accounting.

Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number Explanation

5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is
Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes 5322 & 5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying
Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance
Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance
Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding,
etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in
Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time
(See Code 6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail

After the worldwide strike of the “I LOVE YOU VIRUS,”
reports are already coming in that the virus is
mutating into several stages. Within the next few
hours, expect to see:

The original “I love you” virus

The “I like you alot” virus

The “You’re nice, but I just want to be friends” virus

The “Look, it was just a date…don’t get clingy” virus

The “Okay, I think its best if we don’t have anymore
contact” virus

The “It was late, I was drunk, you were easy” virus

The “Stop calling me, you unfeeling jerk” virus

The “That’s it, I hate you and your stupid dog” virus

and finally,

The “You have made an enemy today, prepare to be
boarded” virus

After the worldwide strike of the “I LOVE YOU VIRUS,”
reports are already coming in that the virus is
mutating into several stages. Within the next few
hours, expect to see:

The original “I love you” virus

The “I like you alot” virus

The “You’re nice, but I just want to be friends” virus

The “Look, it was just a date…don’t get clingy” virus

The “Okay, I think its best if we don’t have anymore
contact” virus

The “It was late, I was drunk, you were easy” virus

The “Stop calling me, you unfeeling jerk” virus

The “That’s it, I hate you and your stupid dog” virus

and finally,

The “You have made an enemy today, prepare to be
boarded” virus

VIRUSES FOR WHICH THERE IS NO KNOWN DISINFECTANT

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not
horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk
attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus,”
but instead refers to itself as an “electronic
microorganism.”

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a
file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt
to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your
system, just before the whole thing quits.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly
shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what
great service you are getting.

THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you
that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays
resident. It’ll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all
your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it
makes a lot of people really mad just thinking
about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk
into hundreds of little units, each of which does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be
the most important part of the computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will
lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time
(plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any
other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of
your Apple.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it
is constantly altering its appearance. This virus
won’t harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen
splits eratically with a message appearing on each
half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with
marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask
for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy
and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping
malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document
shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won’t appear unless you buy new
cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard
drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to
accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever
it wants to.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key)
on boot up then subtracts money from your Quicken account
and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through
Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no
virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds
nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other
files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”