The father was doubtful of his son’s sudden interest to become
Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the
weight-lifting department.

“Please, Dad,” begged the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day….”

“I’m not so sure, Danny. You may lose interest in the equipment,”
his father was quick to point out.

“Ahhhh please, Dad?”

“Besides, it’s quite an expense,” the father added.

“I promise, Dad, I’ll use them….”

Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father
was leaving the department, he heard his son call out…”What! You
mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?”

Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while
you pick your nose.

While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
theme from ‘Mission Impossible’.

In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different
size funnels.

Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say
‘PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!’

When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the
fetal position and mumble ‘It’s those voices again’. And last but
not least,

Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ‘Hey! We’re out of
toilet paper in here!’

When we invade Afghanistan and kill all of the Taliban,
will we be forever known as:
Tali-Whackers?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French
nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically
designated as masculine or feminine. Things like “chalk” or
“pencil,” she described, would have a gender association.
For example: House is feminine — “la” maison. In English, of
course, most words are of neutral gender.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is
a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class
into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be
masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the
class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four
reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to
in the masculine (le) gender because :
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, however, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to in the feminine gender (la) because :
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Just smile….

“A man may be a fool and not know it…but not if he is married.”

A matter of perspective
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his
adventures in the African jungle. “Can you imagine,” he demanded,
“people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain
birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up
grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear
it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of
certain other animals?”
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer
added softly, “What I’ve been describing, of course, is a breakfast
of bacon and eggs and buttered toast.”

Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they
already know everything.

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

“Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” she asked the instructor.”

P-U-T-T is correct,” he replied.” P-U-T means to place a thing where
you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

“What does one call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?”

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with

“I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, “Watch it!
There are plenty more ribs where you came from.”

“You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be
miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.”

Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What’s that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

Seen on the headstone of an atheist, “Here lies an atheist, all
dressed up and no place to go.” [not true… but he probably
doesn’t like the accommodations]

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I’m in a
good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves
a red mark on his forehead!

“Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They have experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
- Rita Rudner

A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a
millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.
The woman replied, “A billionaire.”

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
With the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than
to let her keep him.

“Did anyone lost a roll of bills around here with a rubber band
around them?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Well, I’ve found the rubber band.”

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, “Well, if
you’d learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we
could fire the maid.”
The wife, fuming, shot back, “Oh yeah??? Well, if you’d learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener.”

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says
the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question: “Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”
Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”
“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”
“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman
of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse
Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can
answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?” “Uhh, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother
or your sister. Who is it?” Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can
I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican
senators,and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but
nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. “Now look here, son, your mother
has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s
me, of course, you idiot.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I
know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, it’s Tony Blair.”

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested
a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young
man asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a lighted match directly under his
feet,” was the shop owner’s reply. The shop owner held a match under
Chet’s left foot and Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s
right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with:
“Silent Night. Holy Night…” The young man was so impressed that
he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet
under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How
beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?”
“No,” the young man replied, “but he can sing. Let me show you.” So the
young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot,
as the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet crooned “Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!….”
The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came:
“Silent Night. Holy Night…”
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know. “Let’s try it.” He
answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between
Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little
parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life):
“Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire….”

What’s brown and white and flops on the beach?
A Filipino and a seagull fighting over a fish!

What do you call a Chinese walking a dog?
A vegetarian

Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A: A tong war.

Why don’t Japanese people like mushrooms?
They remind them of nuclear bomb that was dropped on them

There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu. When they moved
to America, they decided to change their names. Bu changed his
name to Buck. Chu changed his name to Chuck. And Fu…well,
he had to go back to China.

What do you call a fat chinese person
A chunk

Q: What do the KKK and Steroids have in common?
A: They both make black men run faster!

What’s the difference between a Nigger and Batman?
Batman can go into town without Robin!

What do you get when you cross a nigger and a chink?
A ape that eats a hell of a lot of rice.

Why don’t niggers celebrate Thanksgiving.?
Kentucky Fried Chicken isn’t open on holidays

When I’m born I’m BLACK
When I grow up I’m BLACK
When I’m sick I’m BLACK
When I die I’m BLACK

AND YOU! …. WHITE MAN

When you’re born you’re PINK
When you grow up you’re WHITE
When you’re sick you’re GREEN
When you go into the sun you’re RED
When you’re cold you’re BLUE
When you die you go PURPLE

AND YOU HAVE THE BLOODY CHEEK TO CALL ME COLOURED