Q:Why does Osama always carry a piece of shit in his
pocket?
A: It’s his photo ID

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52…F-16…B-1…

Q: What is the Taliban’s national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What does osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What’s the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of shit?
A: the bucket

Q: What’s the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: Why don’t bin laden’s people eat shit sandwiches?
A: they can’t stand bread

Q: Why doesn’t the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the
same
day?
A: because the camels can’t handle it

AFGHAN TV GUIDE

MONDAYS:
8:00 - “Husseinfeld”
8:30 - “Mad About Everything”
9:00 - “Suddenly Sanctions”
9:30 - “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
10:00 - “Allah McBeal”

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - “Wheel of Terror and Fortune”
8:30 - “The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right”
9:00 - “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
9:30 - “Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
10:00 - “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
8:30 - “When Northern Alliance Attack”
9:00 - “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread”
9:30 - “Just Shoot Everyone”
10:00 - “Veilwatch”

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - “Matima Loves Chachi”
8:30 - “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
9:00 - “Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and
Veils”
9:30 - “My Two Baghdads”
10:00 - “Diagnosis: Heresy”

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - “Judge Laden”
8:30 - “Funniest Super 8 Home Movies”
9:00 - “Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things”
9:30 - “Achmed’s Creek”
10:00 - “No-witness News”

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist ( except maybe in Japan) religions, this
reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or
378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an
average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to
108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child
in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7
visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household
with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks
have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh,
and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will
accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not
counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means that Santa’s sleigh is
moving at 650 miles per second–3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional
reindeer can run (at best 15 miles per hour. The payload of the
sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child
gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), The
sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the
normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of
them–Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload,
not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or
roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not
the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance–this would heat up the reindeer in the same
fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead
pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per
second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating
deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths
of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house
on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating
from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
acceleration forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs
and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

One Christmas long, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his
annual trip. There was one problem after another that year; a
few of the best elves came down with the flu, and the trainee
elves didn’t make toys as fast as the usual guys so Santa was
really feeling the pressure of being behind schedule.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out somewhere. He ran around in a panic until he found them, then
went inside and Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming
to visit! Needless to say, this stressed poor Santa even more.
Then, when he began to load up the sleigh, one of the runners
cracked and the sack fell to the ground and scattered toys
everywhere. Fuming, Santa found a couple of carpenter elves to
fix the sleigh and went into the house for a cup of coffee and
a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found that the elves had been
hitting the liquor and there was nothing left to drink. An empty
bottle fell out of the cabinet and shattered all over the floor.
Scowling, he went to get the broom and found that mice had chewed
up the straw and it was hardly usable.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa muttered and cursed to
himself all the way to the door. He opened the door, and there
was a little angel there, dragging a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, “I’m running late, where do you want me to put
this tree, fat man?”
And that is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas
tree!

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed
in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But
I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including
the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then
chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I
simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment
leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

“No,” I confessed.

“Then that explains,” she said, “why you didn’t bat an eyelid when
he told you that you were on the wrong train.”

Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot,
But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.
The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way!
Now don’t ask me why, for nobody can say,
It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.
Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, Whatever the reason, his heart or his turban,
He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban.
“They’re doing their business,” he snarled from his perch.
“They’re raising their families! They’re going to church!
They’re leading the world, and their empire is thriving,
I MUST keep the S’s and U’s from surviving!”

Tomorrow, he knew, all the U’s and the S’s,
Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses,
They’d go to their offices, playgrounds and schools,
And abide by their U and S values and rules,

And then they’d do something he liked least of all,
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand all united, each U and each S,
And they’d sing Uville’s anthem, “God bless us! God bless!”
All around their Twin Towers of Uville, they’d stand,
and their voices would drown every sound in the land.

“I must stop that singing,” Binch said with a smirk,
And he had an idea–an idea that might work!
The Binch stole some U airplanes in U morning hours,
And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers.
“They’ll wake to disaster!” he snickered, so sour,
“And how can they sing when they can’t find a tower?”

The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping,
All set to enjoy their U-wailing and weeping,
Instead he heard something that started quite low,
And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow–
And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing…
And he couldn’t believe it–they started to sing!

He stared down at U-ville, not trusting his eyes,
What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise!
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any towers at all!
He HADN’T stopped U-Ville from singing! It sung!
For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young,
Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called Pride,
And you can’t smash the towers we hold deep inside.

So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall,
With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small,
And we mourn for our losses while knowing we’ll cope,
For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope.

For America means a bit more than tall towers,
It means more than wealth or political powers,
It’s more than our enemies ever could guess,
So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless

There is the story of a person on the building committee, who
got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have
good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money
to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still
out there in your pockets.”

—————————————————–
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
“Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in
the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really?
How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know - Our Father,
who does art in Heaven… ”

—————————————————–
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just
before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,
but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service
station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant
pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready
for a long trip.” The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean.
It’s the same in my business.”

—————————————————–
People want the front of the bus; back of the church and center
of attention.

—————————————————–
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to
enforce 10 commandments.

—————————————————–
“Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people
in the world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
“Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the
morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

—————————————————–
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a
meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
“I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll
miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.” When he returned,
he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.
“I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a
ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

—————————————————–
One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter what the
lesson was about. Daughter answered “Don’t be scared, you’ll
get your quilts”. Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in
the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that
morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said “Be not afraid,
thy comforter is coming”. Now it made sense.

—————————————————–
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything
breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten
Commandments,” answered the lady

—————————————————–
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone
to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been
baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school. So they went to the
nearest church, only the janitor was there.

One said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and
play with us.”Will you baptize us?

“Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said,”Now go
out and play.”

When they got outside, dripping wet,one of them asked, “What
religion do you think we are?”

The oldest one said, “We’re not Katlick, because they pour the water
on you.We’re not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We’re not
Methdiss because they just sprinkle you.”

The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”

“Yes”. “What do you think that means?”

“That means we’re Pisscopalians.”

—————————————————–
Minister, after listening to an impromptu campaign speech, “Before
I vote for you for sheriff, I’d like to know if you partake of
intoxicating beverages?”
Candidate for sheriff, “Before I answer, tell me if this is an
inquiry or an invitation.”

—————————————————–
A minister decided to do something a little different
one Sunday morning.He said “today, in church, I am
going to say a single word and you are going to help
me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to
sing whatever hymn, that comes to your mind.
The pastor shouted out, “Cross.” Immediately the
congregation started singing in unison, “The Old
Rugged Cross”.
The pastor hollered out “Grace.”? The congregation
began to sing “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.
The pastor said “Power.”? The congregation sang
“There is Power in the Blood.”
The Pastor said “Sex.”? The congregation fell in total
silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously
began to look around at each other afraid to say
anything. Then all of a sudden way from in the back of
the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood
up and began to sing: “Precious Memories.”

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:
- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that
system!

Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church
being restored was:
This is the Gate of Heaven.
Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read:
Use Other Entrance.

**********

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
They couldn’t get a baby-sitter, a small child replied.
**********
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.
What denomination? asked the clerk.
Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? said the woman. Well, give
me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian.

**********
During a children’s sermon the pastor asked the children what Amen
means.
A little boy raised his hand and said: It means tha-tha-tha-that’s
all, folks!

**********
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in
any order.
He wrote, 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.

**********
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her four-year-old son
ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where
a dead seagull lay in the sand.
Mommy, what happened to him? the little boy asked.
He died and went to heaven, she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, And God threw him back down?

A Taliban Army Platoon was on patrol when the commander noticed a
single Ranger standing on a hilltop in their area. The commander
told two of his men to go take out the American, so they dropped
their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him.
Just before they got to the top, the Ranger ran over the other
side of the hill. The two Afghanis followed.
For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying
in the air.
Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Ranger came up
on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his beret,
crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers.
The infuriated commander called for a squad to go get the American.
They promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before
they got to the top, the Ranger ran over the other side of the
hill. The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there
were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick
as it had started, it stopped and the Ranger came up on the
hilltop. Brushed off his cammies, straightened his beret, crossed
his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers
once again.
The commander was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his
platoon to attack the American. Determined that Taliban soldiers
were far superior to one Ranger, they had blood in their eyes as
they ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the Ranger
ran over the other side of the hill.
The blood thirsty soldiers followed. For many minutes there were
horrific screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and
continued.
Finally, one lone soldier came crawling back to the Afghani
commander, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His
uniform was torn, cuts were all over his body. The commander
asked for a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath,
replied in a forceful and trembling voice:
“Sir,…run,…it’s a trick. There are TWO of them!!”

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous
specialist.

“So who did you see before coming to me?” asked the doctor.

The patient answered, “My local General Practitioner.”

“Your GP?” scoffed the doctor. “What a waste of time! Tell me, what
sort of useless advice did he give you?”

“He told me to come and see you.”