A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a
lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the
car, he stealth fully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove
his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand
slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

Once again the priest apologised. “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed
to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great
opportunity!

Peace Activist Etiquette — gets you to thinking - I rec many
“peace” letters each day & while I’m not a war-monger, per se,
but, this puts it well!

With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter
“Peace Activists” who will try and convince us that we must refrain
from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September
11, 2001.

These activists may be alone or in a gathering; most of us don’t know
how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one
of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up
a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.
They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the
people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They
will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious
to humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in
the nose.

3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry
and they may try to hit you, so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings
about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter.
Tell them if they are really committed to a non-violent approach to
undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a
solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe
what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are
correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them
much harder. Square in the nose.

7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the
idiot realizes how stupid an argument he/she is making.

8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting
victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is
unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost. We owe
our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and
our children. We must support them and our leaders at times like these.
We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep
getting hit in the nose.

Since the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and
consider it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not
his wife; tonight at 7:00, all women should run out of the
house naked to help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.
God bless America.

A Chinese couple gets married - and she’s a virgin.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed
sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be reassuring:

“My darring,I know dis you firt time and you flighten…I
plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
you want. What you want?”

“I wanna numma 69″, she replies.

He responds, “You wanna beef with bloccolli?”

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of
Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long
of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far
from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without
ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though
she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply
said, “How, Dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all
the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the
best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way
with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever
moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man
named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was
accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot
Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites,
or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at
the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one
noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one
Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the
land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only
with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,
or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “we need a name that
reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew
Owner Operators.” “YAHOO”, said Abraham. And that is how it all
began, It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue
Service asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear
your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the
accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant
suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. “Let me tell
you a story,” replied the priest. “A woman, about to be married,
asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy,
long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when
she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your
most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.’ ”

Confused, the man asked, “What does all this have to do with my
problem with the IRS?”

“Simple,” replied the Priest. “It doesn’t matter what you wear,
you’re going to get screwed

An elderly Irish woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards
away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject
of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years.
The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three
grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some
news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the
people in North Dakota. They’ve decided that our land is really part of
the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the
agreement. What do you think?”

“What do I think?” his mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and
tell them we accept! I don’t think I can stand another Canadian winter!”

A message from Santa:

Hello folks. I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be
a little late this year. See after checking all the boxes and
tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.

The first result showed: 428,534,120 Good 428,523,119 Bad

The second result showed: 428,534,118 Good 428,523,121 Bad

So you see, I can’t, with good faith, go out and deliver presents
while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was
good for once, then again, maybe not.

So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To help
do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th
of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer.
You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made
them my-self, I forgot what they meant.

You know, Good…and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all
the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. some
went through both boxes, and some didn’t even have much of a mark
on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant.

So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents
under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story.
Thank you for your patience and understanding in these times.

HO HO HO

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one
cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are
freezing cold.”
The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat
will warm them up.” So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend and he
said “My hands are freezing cold.” The girl replied, “Put them
between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.” So he
did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said “My nose is cold.” The girl replied “Put it
between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” So he
did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter
and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
mother, and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a
penis?” Slightly concerned the mother said, “Why, yes. Why do
you ask?” The daughter replies “Well they make one hell of a mess
when they defrost, don’t they?”