For those of you who are not from the Pittsburgh area, these are the
rules that most people follow while driving in Southwestern PA.

1. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in
before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Pittsburgh
driver “never” uses them. Use of them on the Parkway may be illegal.
Cadillac’s don’t even come with them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by
somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
“going with the flow.”

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to
stretch
your legs.

8. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you
pass the last exit before the backup.

9. Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful
information. They are only there to make Pittsburgh look high-tech, and
to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the
median.

10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and
are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

12. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up
or move over doesn’t mean that a Pittsburgh driver flashing his high
beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even
if someone is just changing a tire.

14. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives
Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

15. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be
followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to
work.

16. Learn to swerve abruptly. Pittsburgh is the home of high-speed
slalom driving thanks to potholes.

17. It is traditional in Pittsburgh to honk your horn at cars that
don’t move the instant the light changes.

18. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way,
except in Greensburg where it acts as an invitation to duel or
playchicken.

19. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and
left before proceeding. In Pittsburgh it is common to stop and then
decide which direction to turn.

20. Remember that the goal of every Pittsburgh driver is to get there
first, by whatever means necessary.

21. Real Pittsburgh female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye
makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during
a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

22. Real Pittsburgh male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at
seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight
hours (who would want to at night?).

23. Heavy snow, ice, fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God’s way of
ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new
vehicle sales.

24. Of course we can’t forget, but all must slow down when approaching
a tunnel. When we go in, are we actually going to get out?

25. Never get behind an old man with a hat on unless you don’t mind
going 15 miles an hour for miles at a time.

In order to reduce the amount of confusion that end users might
have in identifying the role of certain files that they have on
their hard drives, Windows 2000 now incorporates “smart” file
extensions to aid end users in support and troubleshooting issues.
Please consult this reference guide before calling Microsoft or
any authorized Microsoft Support Services vendor.

.god - Files developed by microsoft
.crap - 3rd party files
.porn - Adult image files on an umarried males computer
.bible - Adult image files on a married males computer
.easyaccess - Undocumented security flaws in Explorer, Outlook,
and IIS
.forsakendreams - Unfinished novels and short stories
.lewinsky - Letters to your mistress
.jackson - Information files on your illegitimate children
.bush - New compression format that give you 1.6 Trillion times
more disk space but may increase the amount of arsenic
and CO that your computer produces
.china - Files that will hold 24 other files hostage if any
attempts are made to reference the operating system.
.greenspan - New products that attempt to prevent overuse of the
computer by dynamically adjusting the amount of
memory your computer has available
(adjusted quarterly).

Your co-worker tells you he has eight body piercings - none are
visible.

When someone says “TENDERLOIN”, you don’t think steak; you think
danger.

You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

You would never dream of crossing a picket line.

You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than the
California State flag.

The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.

The woman who delivers your mail is straight, and your Mary Kay Lady
is gay.

Old friends you haven’t talked to in years suddenly call. “Do you
have a spare bedroom for a weekend?”

You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from
the Midwest.

You can’t remember…Is pot still illegal?

You go to your office manager’s baby shower. The parents are named
Judy and Becky.

You give a “thumbs up” gesture to a car with a FREE TIBET bumper
sticker and you mean it.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown,
and are willing to fight about it.

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.

A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps.
You don’t notice.

You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute person
who is looking puzzled at a city map.

When you drive under an underpass, for one moment you think
“earthquake”.

Your boss runs in “The Bay to Breakers” …it’s the first time you
have seen him nude.

Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named “Breeze”.

You haven’t been to Fisherman’s Wharf since the first month you moved
to the Bay Area.

You are thinking of taking an adult education class, but you can’t
decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.

Your new neighbors go to temple, but you are still not sure if they
are Jewish or Buddhist.

You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in
Georgia.

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he
has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a
wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his
mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that
his gay lifestyle has been very
disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively,
“I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?”

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a
wealthy Beverly Hills family.

She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, “What is her
name?”

He answers, “Monica Lewinsky.”

There is a long pause, then his mother asks, “What happened to
that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?”

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.

They decided to become American Citizens, and “Americanize” their names.

Bu - called himself “Buck”

Chu - called himself “Chuck”

and Fu had to go back to China ….

During the occupation of Japan, a young GI fell in love with a
beautiful Japanese girl. After many months of courtship, they
wanted to get married. Our government did not like to have
mixed marriages, but they continued to fight for their love
rights.

One afternoon the CO called the GI into his office and gave
him the good news that it was a go.

Blossom’s parents would only give their blessing if the couple
would have a traditional Japanese ceremony. They both agreed.

The day arrived and Blossom dressed in her wedding kimono.
She made a beautiful bride.

That evening in their hotel room, Blossom began to undress.
With each piece of outer clothing she would take off she would
say “Excuse Please.” Then all her underclothes and again,
“Excuse Please.” She was down to her stockings, when
she bent over to take them off and expelled some gas.

So embarrassed Blossom exclaimed, “Oh so sorry, excuse please,
front hole so happy, back hole had to whistle.”

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
- “Make me one with everything”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain
during root canal work?
- He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A goldfish walks into a bar, right? Jumps up on a bar stool
and looks at the bar tender really hard. And the bartender
asks the goldfish, “What can I get you?” Goldfish lookings
at the guy really deep and hard and in a desperate gasp says
“Water.”

How do you circumcise a whale? - Four skin divers.

Why do whales make such great lovers? - A Because they have
an 8-foot-long tongue and a hole in the back of their head
they can breathe out of!

Why is a turtle like a prostitute - they’re both fucked when
they’re on their backs.

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. “What can I get
you?” asked the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club”
replied the seal.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The
bartender says “you can’t bring that in here!” The guy says
“Why not? He’s a pet. Plus I’ll bet you a drink he can play
any instrument in here.” The bartender says “okay, here’s a
trombone, I’ll bet a drink he can’t play it.” The octopus picks
it up and starts playing a tune. The bartender is a little upset
and pulls out a clarinet and says, “I bet another drink he can’t
play this.” The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the
clarinet and starts playing away on it. By now the bartender
is really upset. He’s had to give the guy 2 free drinks already.
Then he remembers he has an old set of bag-pipes in the back.
He tells the guy, “I’ll bet you one more drink he can’t play
something else I have,” and throws out the bag-pipes. The octopus
takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all
over it, pulling on the pipes and squeezing the bag. The bartender
laughs and says, “I guess I win.” The guy says, “just give him a
minute. As soon as he realizes he can’t fuck it… he’ll play it.

A lady telephoned Sean O’Malley, a plumber by profession, with
an Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned
off the water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer,
ending the Emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to
boot, so before long Sean was helping her to heat up the
bedroom. About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she
hung up, the lady told Sean “That was my husband. He’ll be
home in about half an hour, but he’ll be leaving on a business
trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don’t you come back
at about seven-thirty, and we’ll continue where we left off?”
“What!” exclaimed Sean, “on me own time?”

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
- Cuntswaylow.

Why Is there no Olympics in Mexico?
- Because all the Mexicans that can run, Jump, and swim are
already in the U.S.

An American , a Russian, a Mexican, and the pope, were all in
a plane when the pilot announce that it was going down, and
there were only 4 parachutes. Immediately the pilot took one
and jumped, So the American said it’s all right I’ll stay and
started handing out parachutes. The Russian said “thank you”
and jumped, the Mexican said “thank you” and jumped. The pope
turned round and said “son that was a very charitable act, but
I feel I should stay”. The American replied “charitable my ass,
I gave the Mexican my ruck sack.”