Did you hear about the Irishman that sunk a prison ship?
He was trying to escape by tunnelling his way out!

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the
driver, “where have you been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of
course,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like
you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”. “I did all right,”
the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop,
standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that
a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh,
thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought
I’d gone deaf.”

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend
says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed
and they weren’t mine.’ His second friend says: ‘I think my wife
is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a
wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.’ Paddy says: ‘I think
my wife is having an affair with a horse.’ Both his friends look
at him with utter disbelief. ‘No I’m serious. The other day I
came home and found a jockey under our bed.’

Did you hear about the Irishman who walked around the world?
- He drowned.

How can you can spot the Irishman at the airport?
- He’s the one throwing bread to the planes.

How do you confuse an Irishman?
- Put 3 shovels in a corner and tell him to take his pick.

Where does an Irish family go for vacation?
A different bar.

A man sitting at the bar announces, “If anyone can drink 20 pints
of Guinness, I will not only pay for it, but I’ll have lay a bet
down for five hundred dollars.” The bartender pours the 20 pints
and lines them up at the bar. The Irish man sitting next to him
gets up and leaves. He looks around, and no one is taking his
challenge. All of a sudden the Irish man who left, returns to the
bar and announces proudly that he can drink all 20 pints. So he
does. The man is amazed and gives him the money. Then he asks
where he went. “Well, I had to go to the bar next door and be
sure I could do it first”

Paddy got a job on the road works. I want you to paint the white
lines down this new road, said the Boss. At the end of the first
day Paddy comes back. “How far have you done?” the Boss asks
“two miles!” replies paddy, and the boss seems pleased. On the
next day back at the office, again the Boss asks paddy how far
he had done? “One mile.” Replied paddy and the Boss seemed a bit
annoyed. The third day the Boss asks him again. “Half a mile!”
replies Paddy “What’s wrong asks the Boss?” It’s getting a long
way to dip the paint brush in the bucket,” replies Paddy.

The fire brigade are called out to a tall building, On top of the
building was Paddy. They opened their safety net and told Paddy
to jump. “No” said Paddy “I am not going to jump.” “You have got
to yelled” the fireman, “there is no way we can get up there to
you.” “No! I don’t trust you to hold the net still, it might move.
Just lay it on the floor and then I’ll Jump!”

Two Irishmen are having a race to the top of the hill; The first
one says “If I get to the top of the hill first I’m going to
write my name on that tree at the top”. So the second one says,
“If I get to the top first I’m going to rub it out”.

Paddy was picked up on a charge of indecent exposure for flashing
and old lady. He was placed in a line-up with ten other fellows
and the accusing old lady was escorted into the room. All of a
sudden Paddy jumped forward, and screamed, “That’s her! That’s
her! I would recognize her anywhere!”

Paddy goes up to the big house Knocks on the door and asks have
you any jobs for me? The lady of the house says yes, you can paint
my porch. In the garage you will find a tin of white paint, go
and fetch it and I will pay you when you have finished. Paddy
returns in about an hour and knocks on the door again. Have you
finished asks the lady. Yes I have, but it was not a Porsche it
was a Mercedes!

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman in front of a firing squad.
Englishman says’s I have been in this situation before, we must
try and distract them and jump over this wall behind us. All of
a sudden the Englishman shouts “EARHQUAKE” and the Germans turn
around, with this he’s over the wall and running. The Scotsman
decides that was a good plan and shouts “FLOOD,” again the
Germans turn round and he runs off. So the Irishman is standing
there all by himself thinks ‘if they can do it, so can I’ and
shouts “FIRE!”

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to
the exotic bird section. Mick says to Pat “That’s them”. The
clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yea, we’ll take
four of those birds in that cage up there” says Mick, “Put them
in a paper bag”. The clerk does and the two guys leave the shop.
They get into Mick’s van and drive for two hours until they are
high up in the hills and stop at the face of a cliff with a
500-foot drop. “This look like a good place, eh?” says Mick.
“Oh yes, this looks good” replies Pat. They flip a coin and
Mick wins the toss. “I guess I get to go first, ” says Mick.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his
shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Pat watches as his mate
drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds
followed by a “SPLAT”. As Pat looks over the cliff he shakes
his head and says. “This budgie jumping is far too dangerous
for me!”

When white men discovered this country, Indians were running it…

No Taxes …

No Debt …

Women did most of the work …

Indian men hunted and fished all the time!

White men were dumb enough to think they could improve a system like
that.

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how
important their children are. The first one tells her friends,
“My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
‘Father’.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say,” Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down,
but MY son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
‘ Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women give her this subtle “Well.. .?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6′ 2″,hard-bodied, Chippendale’s
male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
‘OH MY GOD. . .’ .”

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking
cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside
him.

“Hello,” he said. “Do you understand English?”

“Only a little,” she answered.

“How much?” he asked.

“Fifty dollars,” she replied.

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points
in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so
she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,
she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In
considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see if he could help her. She
sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, “What took you so long?”

The unperturbed doctor replied, “Well, I had to get permits
from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could
remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.”

English: He’s cleaning his automobile
Japanese: Wa Shing Ka

English: This is a tow away zone
Japanese: No Pah King

English: Is there a fugitive here?
Japanese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

English: Small Horse
Japanese: Tai Ni Po Ni

English: Your price is too high!!
Japanese: No Bai Nut Ting!!

English: Did you go to the beach?
Japanese: Wai Yu So Tan?

English: I bumped into a coffee table
Japanese: Ai Bang Mai Ni

English: It’s very dark in here
Japanese: Wai So Dim?

English: Has your flight been delayed?
Japanese: Hao Long Wei Ting?

English: I thought you were on a diet?
Japanese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

English: They have arrived
Japanese: Hia Dei Kum

English: Your body odor is offensive
Japanese: Yu Stin Ki Pu

English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Japanese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

English: I got this for free
Japanese: Ai No Pei

English: Stay out of sight
Japanese: Lei Lo

A well-dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked
to be taken to LaGuardia airport. While stuck in traffic, the
businessman leaned forward and said, “How’s your spirit of
adventure?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought
of flying there just bores me. Why not drive me there? The
meeting will last only an hour. I’ll pay the gas, tolls, your
hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow.”

The driver said, “Sure, why not?!” and off they went.

They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and
finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while
the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they
took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the
businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they
took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter
read $4,625.80.

When they got back to the businessman’s office in Manhattan,
the man told the cabbie, “Let me go in the bank here and I’ll
get you a certified check. I’ll make it for $5,050 so you’ll
get a sizable tip for your service.”

“Great,” the cab driver said, “Thanks.”

“One last thing. When I give you the check, I’d like you to
drive me home, please. I’m extremely tired.”

“Where do you live?”

“Brooklyn.”

“No way! I’d have to drive back over the Tri-Boro Bridge
without a passenger!”

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a
new “city” outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when
asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he
answered, “Yes, ma’am. Ya see, I’m from Texas, and I want to
buy a complete city outfit.”

Her eyes lit up as she asked, “Where would you like to start?”

“Well, ma’am, how about a suit?”

“Yes, sir. What size?”

“Size 53 tall, ma’am.”

“Wow, that’s really big.”

“Yes, ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”

“What’s next?” she asked.

He replied, “How about some shoes?”

“What size?”

“Size 15 double D.”

“Wow, that’s really big!”

“Yes, ma’am. They really grow them big in Texas.”

“What’s next?”

“Well, I reckon I’ll need a shirt.”

“Yes, sir. What size?”

“Nineteen and a half neck, size 38,” he replied.

“Wow, that’s really big!”

“Yes, ma’am. They really grow them big in Texas.”

“Will there be anything else?” she asked.

“Yes, ma’am. I spect I’ll need a hat.”

“Yes, sir. What size?”

“Eight and five-eighths.”

“Wow, that’s really big!”

“Yes, ma’am. They really grow them big in Texas.”

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, “Is there anything
else I can do for you?”

“No, ma’am , I reckon that will be all.”

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan
counted his money, she blushed and asked, “Sir, could I ask
you a question?”

“Yes, ma’am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four
inches.”

Astonished, she blurted out, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than
that!”

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, “From the floor, ma’am?”

Examples of how English is being used in different parts of the
world:

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If
you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the
office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous
Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried
daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to
hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people’s fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow
Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and
sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly
taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of
their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the
hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different sex,
for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless
they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining
guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that
the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by
the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water
has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been
played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven
city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to
ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock
to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies
from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to
work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a
foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send
them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit
to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll
find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of
warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him
with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

News just in from Japan, all small mammal movements have been
banned after some nibbled beds were discovered in Tokyo.
They think it could be an outbreak of Futon Mouse disease.

As a result of the Futon Mouse outbreak Japanese banking
crisis now shows no signs of letting up.

The Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up
and the Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Insider reports say that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and
is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in the Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500
back-office staff at the Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the
Sushi Bank and staff there fear that they may get a raw deal.