There is the story of a person on the building committee, who
got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have
good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money
to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still
out there in your pockets.”

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
“Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in
the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really?
How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know - Our Father,
who does art in Heaven… ”

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just
before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,
but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service
station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant
pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready
for a long trip.” The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean.
It’s the same in my business.”

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People want the front of the bus; back of the church and center
of attention.

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Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to
enforce 10 commandments.

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“Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people
in the world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
“Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the
morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a
meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
“I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll
miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.” When he returned,
he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.
“I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a
ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

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One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter what the
lesson was about. Daughter answered “Don’t be scared, you’ll
get your quilts”. Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in
the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that
morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said “Be not afraid,
thy comforter is coming”. Now it made sense.

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There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything
breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten
Commandments,” answered the lady

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Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone
to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been
baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school. So they went to the
nearest church, only the janitor was there.

One said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and
play with us.”Will you baptize us?

“Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said,”Now go
out and play.”

When they got outside, dripping wet,one of them asked, “What
religion do you think we are?”

The oldest one said, “We’re not Katlick, because they pour the water
on you.We’re not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We’re not
Methdiss because they just sprinkle you.”

The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”

“Yes”. “What do you think that means?”

“That means we’re Pisscopalians.”

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Minister, after listening to an impromptu campaign speech, “Before
I vote for you for sheriff, I’d like to know if you partake of
intoxicating beverages?”
Candidate for sheriff, “Before I answer, tell me if this is an
inquiry or an invitation.”

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A minister decided to do something a little different
one Sunday morning.He said “today, in church, I am
going to say a single word and you are going to help
me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to
sing whatever hymn, that comes to your mind.
The pastor shouted out, “Cross.” Immediately the
congregation started singing in unison, “The Old
Rugged Cross”.
The pastor hollered out “Grace.”? The congregation
began to sing “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.
The pastor said “Power.”? The congregation sang
“There is Power in the Blood.”
The Pastor said “Sex.”? The congregation fell in total
silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously
began to look around at each other afraid to say
anything. Then all of a sudden way from in the back of
the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood
up and began to sing: “Precious Memories.”

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:
- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that
system!

Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church
being restored was:
This is the Gate of Heaven.
Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read:
Use Other Entrance.

**********

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
They couldn’t get a baby-sitter, a small child replied.
**********
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.
What denomination? asked the clerk.
Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? said the woman. Well, give
me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian.

**********
During a children’s sermon the pastor asked the children what Amen
means.
A little boy raised his hand and said: It means tha-tha-tha-that’s
all, folks!

**********
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in
any order.
He wrote, 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.

**********
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her four-year-old son
ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where
a dead seagull lay in the sand.
Mommy, what happened to him? the little boy asked.
He died and went to heaven, she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, And God threw him back down?