Be SURE you get all the way to the bottom of this!

Importance of water, are you drinking enough?
We all know that water is important but I’ve never seen it written
down like this before.
-75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
-In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is
often mistaken for hunger.
-Even MILD dehydration will slow down one’s metabolism as much as 3%.
-One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost
100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
-Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
-Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day
could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of
sufferers.
-A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory,
trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer
screen or Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of
colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer
by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
(No kidding, all of the above is true.)

1. Why was the dumb blonde staring at a milk carton for so long?
Because it said concentrate.

2. How do you get a one armed blond out of a tree?
Wave.

3. One day there was a blonde (of course) and she decided to hang herself.
So an hour later a lady say the blonde with a rope tied around her waste, the lady says, “What are you doing?”
The blonde says,”I’m hanging myself.”
The lady says, “Shouldn’t the rope be around your neck?”
The blonde says, “Well I couldn’t breathe.”

4. How do you drowned a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff at the bottum of a pool.

There’s a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head in the doctor’s office. All three are pregnant and conversing. Well, the brunette asks the red-head,”Do you know what you’re having?” “I’m having a boy because I concieved while I was in the missionary possition.” So then the red-head asks the brunette what she’s having. “I’m having a girl because I was on top when I concieved.” Then the brunette turns to the blonde and asks her what she’s having and she says, “Uh oh, I think I’m going to have puppies!”

“Rules for a Northerner Movin’ South”:

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use it.

2. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already
know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better
off trying to find it yourself.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the
cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of
their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let
alone eating.

8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s”
is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern
accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t
understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol’”, as in
“big ol’truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their
new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred
percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the
last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this” stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a
Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when
the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at
the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything
from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This
is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more
than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a
trailer.

24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more
Yankees than Southerners living there.

25. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and
Honor. You will also here expressions such as, “Laud, have mercy”,
Good Laud”, and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy”.

26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned
to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is
the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar’s
sister, but the beggar is not the woman’s brother. How come?
5. Why can’t a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister?
Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same
number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have
southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear?
Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel.
What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there
was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove,
which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10” tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President’s name in 1950?
Answers
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can’t be buried if he isn’t dead.
6. 6
7. No – because he is dead.
8. They aren’t playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar
bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (one is a nickel, the other is
not)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None – Noah took them on the ark, not Moses.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.
Scoring guide:
20 Correct – Genius
17 Correct – Above Normal
15 Correct – Normal
8 Correct – Nincompoop
6 Correct – Moron
3 Correct – Idiot

1. So your daughter`s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day…
Look at the bright side,
she`s a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping…
I thought it was flat…
when I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat…Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed
and you`re on the mends…
here`s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4. You`ve announced that you`re gay,
won`t that be a laugh,
when they find out you`re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
`Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you…
How upset you must be…
But don`t fret about it…
She moved in with me.

7. Your computer is dead…
it was once so alive.
Don`t you regret installing
Windows 95?

8. You totaled your car…
and can`t remember why…
could it have been…
the case of Bud Dry?

9. Saw something today
that reminded me of you.
As a matter of fact it was
the shit on my shoe!