RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled ‘All Men Are Idiots’
Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
‘I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But, I want
you to know that there’s always a chance for us.’

This is known as the ‘I Hate You I Love You’ drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never
lie.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function
as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body
is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and
shouldn’t be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight
of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or- less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking,
men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
reruns of old American sitcoms.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola’s head.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction…he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature
TV’s. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small
robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least six ‘D’ batteries to operate.

MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn’t
really matter.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a
lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME:
When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game
just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS:
Women on a girl’s night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy’s night
out say about twenty words all night, most of which are ‘Pass the
Doritos’ or Got anymore beer?’

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms
as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each
other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together
like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man
excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey, Tom, I was
just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go
out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Shorty.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Boys will each throw in £20.00, even though it’s
only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will
actually admit they want change back. When the Girls get their bill,
out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t want.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

NATURAL LOOKS
Men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!

Three Labrador retrievers — one brown, one yellow and one black —
were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they
struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and
said, “So why are you here?”

The brown lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything —
the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was
last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black lab said, “So what is the vet going to do?”

“Gonna give me Prozac,” came the reply from the brown lab. “All the
vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.”

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, “Why are you
here?”

The yellow lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up
flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside,
I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I
dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”

“So what are they going to do to you?” the black lab inquired.

“Looks like Prozac for me too,” the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, “Why are you
at the vet’s office?”

“I’m a humper,” the black lab said. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump
the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to
hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help
myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
“So, Prozac for you too, huh?”

The black lab said, “No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
pleasure.

ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied
by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot
flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did
not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal,
pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When
forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces
the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work
and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their
arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper
before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers
who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT
OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a
dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee.
Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a
Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes,
piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost.
Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom.
Don’t forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFEHAVEN.

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the
father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch
of pornographic magazines!”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.”

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in the father’s
room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.”

“Oh my,” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.

“I poked holes in all of them,” she replied.

The third nun said, “Oh shit.”

‘Real’ classified ads (and headlines) that were spotted:

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———————————-
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———————————-
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————————————–
KELLOGG’S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
————————————–
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
————————————–
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
———————————————
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
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———————————————
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

Walking through San Francisco’s Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated
with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He
turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, “Moishe Plotnik’s
Chinese Laundry.”

“Moishe Plotnik?” he muses. “How the heck does that fit in here?”
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind
the counter. The tourist asks, “How did this place get a name like
“Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Laundry?”

The old man answers, “Is name of owner.”

The tourist asks, “Well, who and where is the owner?”

“Me, is right here,” replies the old man.

“You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?”

“Is simple,” says the old man. “Many, many year ago when come to
this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in
front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go,
‘What your name?’ He say, ‘Moishe Plotnik.’ Then she look at me
and go, ‘What your name?’ I say, ‘Sem Ting.’”

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs understand that you are their master.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

Dogs have ten breasts.

Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.

Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don’t shop.

Dogs don’t want to know about every other pet you’ve had.

Dogs don’t cry.

Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.

A dog’s parents never visit.

A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can
shoot it.

It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Why Women Are Better than Dogs

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Women leave the room to fart.

Women know how to make popcorn.

How Women and Dogs Are the Same

Both look stupid in hats.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both put too much value on kissing.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have hip problems.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Both are good at pretending that they’re listening to every word
you say.

Neither understands football.

Neither believes that silence is golden.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Two smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a
detective goes into the coroner’s to find the causes of death.
The coroner points to the first dead man.

“This is Cletus,” he says. “He died of shock after winning 20
million on the lottery.”

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. “This is Roscoe,”
says the coroner. “He died after being struck by lightning.”
“Well,” asks the detective, “Why in the world was the fool smiling?”
“Oh,” says the coroner. “He thought he was having his picture taken.”

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the
car. His father took him to his study and said to him,

“I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study
your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll discuss it.”

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his
father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went
to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been
real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve
studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve
been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair,
Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had
long hair….”

“Yes, my son, and they WALKED every where they went!”