1. Remove the toilet seat from the toilet.

2. Put toothpaste(sticky, slimy toothpaste) on the toilet seat.
Squish! Squish!

3. Get one of those boullion cubes, made for making soup, and put
it in your buddy’s showerhead. A broth bath first thing in the
morning can be a real drag.

4. Every time you go to your mark’s house, put a couple plastic
forks, spoons, whatever in the silver ware drawer. Pretty soon
they will empty it out and begin to think thay are nuts.

5. Staple the cuffs of roomie’s pants together.

6. In the winter, place extremely large snowballs in front of
the doors.

7. While your roommate is sleeping, place two or three RedHot
candies between their teeth and lips. They will wake up with
a terrible blister.

8. Put clear tape on your roomates eyes when they’re sleeping,
wake them up, and and ask if they feel all right.

9. Insert an extremely cheesy CD (preferably Barry Manilow or ABBA)
into a friend’s favorite CD case. Make sure that the Cd’s look
similar. After they unwit tingly put the CD in without checking,
watch their expressions as the room is filled with “Coppa Cabana”.
Continue to switch CD’s as needed.

10. Take a mini-tape recorder and record the words “They’re coming
for you.” Turn volume setting to whisper and press play as your
friend sleeps. Hide somewhere inconspicuous.

11. If you want to piss off your room mate, flip their matress and
re-make their bed, so that when they are really tired and just
want to crash , they will have to flip their matress back over
and make their bed again!

12. Pile all of the furniture in your dorm or house against
someone’s bedroom door. When they wake up in the moring, they
can’t get out!

13. Take some Oreo cookies. Undo the tops, one at a time, and place
a small circle of wax paper in between the cookie and the filling.
Then set them out to watch your victim take a big bite!

14. If your roommate has posters of scantily clad women up, blow up
a picture of their mother’s face and tape it over the face on
the poster. Very disturbing for the victim.

15. Every day take a small object from another student’s room and place
it in a different room. Repeat until room is empty.

16. More instructions for shooting toilet water: Materials: 6″ piece
of small diameter tubing, ‘t’ valve. Process: Remove the top lid
of the toilet tank, the filler tube in the center of the tank has
a samll tube from which it fills the bowl. Pull the tube out ot
the filler, install the tvalve & the other end of tubing. put the
bottom part of the tavalve back into the filler & redirect the
new section of tubing pointing out at where the victims back
will be when seated. Place the lid back on, being careful not to
leave the tubing showing. When your mark flushes, the water will
squirt out, trapping your mark & catching him/her by suprise in
the small confines of the toilet stall. Been tried twice with
excellent results. Even better if you can find one is to place a
car washer jet on the outer end of the tube which fans the spray
out.

17. Put white ‘art’ paper like the kind used in pep rallies over the
outside of a dorm room doorway. You and your friends get up a
little early to stand out in the hall and clap and cheer when the
roomate who’s in on the prank jumps through the paper (like a
football game). The next day, repeat the procedure, placing a
candy or drink machine behind the paper. When the 2nd roommate
(who’s not in on it) tries to burst through the paper for his/her
applause, BOOM! S/He will hit the back of the machine and rebound
back into the room.

18. Offer two of your friends marshmellows. Leave one of the
marshmellows as is and make a little hole in the other. Pour salt
and pepper in and close it up. Put them back in to their place
and offer them.

19. When you see your friend sit down a can of soda, take a small
knife or something sharp and poke a hole just below the the lip
of the can. When the friend takes his/her next drink, soda will
drip out of the can and onto the victim.

20. Take a large bottle of industial strength washing up liquid, this
can be bought from any supermarket, and pour it in the top of the
toilet (where the water is kept). When the victim flushes the
toilet, the bowl and eventually the room will fill with lovely
bubbles.

21. Tape down the button on the receiver of the telephone and call
them.

22. Try the exploding salt and pepper shakers! Take the salt/pepper
shaker and empty it about a third of the way, then fill the empty
space with the lemon juice. After that put a tissue piece over the
top and stick in down inside careful enough not to hit the lemon
juice. Put a small or medium amount of baking soda in the tissues
and cover the holes with something to keep the baking soda from
coming out. Then stick the lid back on. Give it to someone you
know will need to use it. When they shake lightly t o get a little
bit of salt, it will not come out. So what they do is shake harder,
making the lemon juice break through the tissue, mixing with the
baking. This causes the lid to somehow “explode”, or pop off, and
filling half the table with foam!

23. Offer your friend some really thirst provocing cookies. Then when
they’re really thirsty, hand them a glass of milk with a few of
those mini-marshmallows in them. Whole milk works best. They’ll
have slugged back half of it by the time the marshmallows hit their
lips. Watch the reaction of someone who thinks he just took a huge
slug of curdled milk.

24. If your in the room when someone cuts their finger, tell them
that lime juice is the best thing to stop the bleeding.

25. Fill a very large glass full of water, tell a friend to place
their hands on a table (plams down), put the glass on top of one
hand and ask if it hurts, when they say “no” tell them to put one
hand on top of the other, place the glass on top of both hands
and walk off.

26. Put a bit of baby oil into somones bottle of shampoo. Why is my
hair always oily?

27. Smear Icy-Hot all over the toilet seat. When someone sits down
they’ll feel the cream working.

28. Put a life-like real sized cardboard figure of a person in the
bed under the covers next to the victim. Imagine the shock when
they wake up!

29. Put crazy glue in someone’s shoes so when they try to take
them off, it gets stuck to their socks; or better yet, their
feet.

30. Get a camera with a flash and a cap gun. Early in the morning,
like around 2 o’clock, knock on peoples’ doors. When they answer
the door, take their picture and then shoot the cap gun. The
flash stuns them and they think they’ve been shot.

31. The last person to wake up in the morning gets it. Get a game
going; each awake person takes a turn decorating the sleeper,
using their imagination (spitwads, beer cans, paint, figurines
of Elwood Blues tucked under the elbow.)The first person to wake
the sleeper up loses while everyone laughs at the victims reation.

32. Send in the victim’s name as being interested in joining the
navy, air force, marines, coast guard, etc.

33. Get a Universal Remote and go to the window of someone watching
TV and change channels.

34. Take a really large pair of underwear old lady or man style and
write a victim’s name in them and leave them in the bathroom floor
for every one to find.

35. Put a vacuum cleaner with the switch in the ‘on’ position in
someone’s room in the middle of the night and plug it in out in
the hall.

36. Get a pair of old boots, put them on the floor in the toilet to
make it look like someone is sitting on the toilet. Then lock the
toilet door. Works best if there is only one toilet. Watch people
repeatedly walk in and them come straight out again. Particularly
works well after lunch or morning tea.

37. Tell someone that you will give them $100 if you can crack 3 eggs
over their head. After getting them to agree, crack 2 over their
head. make sure to rub in all of the yolk. Then tell them you don’t
feel like cracking the third egg. Now you don’t owe them $100.

38. Chilli sauce on the rim of a coffee mug. Imagine how hard it would
be to have a mouthfull of hot coffee and have burning lips too!

39. Whenever there are grapes in the fridge, be sure to put one on top
of every bottle, tupperware container, dish, can, etc. EVERYthing
must have a grape on top of it. After the second round of “grapes
on bottles” the victim’s failure to see the humor will manifest.

40. Put Ambesol (toothache reliever) on the victim’s retainer when they
aren’t wearing it. Their mouth will go numb.

41. Straighten out a small staple and tap it all the way down into your
roomates deodorant. After several days, they’ll start to feel a small
scratch followed by an intense burning sensation (as the deodorant
gets into the scratch) From that point on it’s fun to listen in every
morning until they realize why it’s so painful.

42. Get a long piece of chemistry tubing. Tie one end with a knot and
fill it with water. Get a couple of guys to carry it to someone’s
room and stick the open end under the door. Instant flood!

43. Do you know a deep sleeper? Gather a few friends and pick up the
deep sleeper’s bed and carry it into the quad in the middle of campus.
Hopefully, he won’t awake until there are people all around him.
Extra laughs come when he sleeps, well, pajamaless .

44. First, you need to find a cow. Transport the mellow beast to the
multistory-dorm of your choice. Lead the cow right on upstairs to
the top floor. Give the cow some hay or grain (also useful to lead
the cow…) and water. Wait for the fun to begin. When officialdom
appears and starts to “take charge” of the situation, they will find
that while a cow will readily go *up* the stairs, no power on earth
will induce a cow to go *down* the stairs.

45. When staying at a hotel, tell the front desk clerk you need a 4:00am
wake up call. Tell him/her to let the phone ring repeatedly as you
are a very heavy sleeper. Then give the clerk the room number for
your friends across the hall.

46. If you have co-ed bathrooms that have free comdoms and lubricant
packets (water based), smear the stuff all over a wall in the hall.
It’s not shiny at all, so it’s really hard to see. Expect people to
bump against it and get “jizzed.”

47. Put icy-hot in your neighbor’s shampoo bottle…Why is my head
burning??

48. Set off a fire drill in the middle of the night by putting a
cigarette close to a smoke alarm. The real fun in this is that you
get to see who’s sleeping with whom.

49. Tell everyone in the dorm that you’ve gotten a care package from
home, and you want to share. Offer them Ex-lax brownies.

50. Use this if you know the people inside a room or dorm room has no
other way out. You take about two rolls of duct tape and make a duct
tape wall so that the entire door frame plus about another foot of
area outside the door frame will be covered with duct tape. To
Needless to say, the victim will have difficulties getting out.

This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.

A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks
the guy if he knew what he wanted.

The guy says ‘I’d like a quickie’.

The waitress flushes and says ‘That’s not funny. Now, what would
you like to order.’ The guys says, ‘I’d really like a quickie’.

The waitress angrily storms off after this.

Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and
says to the guy, ‘I think that it’s pronounced quiche…

Try this on the ol’ tongue:

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,

what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes
him so sexy.

When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to
see who’s the handsome dude behind him.

But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to
see if he’s unzipped.

The preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great
fervor.

“If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it
into the river.”

The congregation cried, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw
it in the river.”

Again the congregation cried, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I’d
take it all and throw it in the river.”

The congregation cried, “Hallelujah!”

The preacher sat down.

The song leader stood up and announced, “For our closing song,
let us sing hymn #365, Shall We Gather At The River?”

FUNNY THOUGHTS:

“Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory.”
-Abraham Lincoln

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner

“When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was just sick.”
-George Burns

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted
by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him and says, “You
sir, are drunk!” He looks back at her and says, “And you
ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”

If being overweight is not hereditary then why does it show up in
your jeans?

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.
-Jackie Mason

Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”
- Benny Hill

Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You
should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living
hell. Roseanne Barr

“I think someone should invent Beerguard, because how often do
you actually spill Scotch on the carpet?” -Unknown

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
– Author unknown

Speaking of “time,” Is it possible to have dejavu and amnesia
at the same time?

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I
started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

What do Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Thomas
Jefferson have in common? They were all born on holidays.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

What does a mathematician do about constipation?
He sits down and tries to work it out with a pencil.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch about it.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Julius Caesar - My last job involved a lot of
office politics and back stabbing. I’d like
to get away from all that.

Jesse James - I can list among my experience
and skills: leadership, extensive travel,
logistical organization, intimate understanding
of firearms, and a knowledge of security
measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette - My management style
has been criticized, but I’d like to think of
myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotine - I can give your company
a head start on the competition.

Hamlet - My position was eliminated in a
hostile takeover.

Lucretia Borgia - My greatest accomplishment?
after I took over the department, our competition
just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

Pandora - I can bring a lot to your company. I
like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan - My primary talent is downsizing.
On my last job, I downsized my staff, my
organization, and the populations of several
countries.

MacBeth - Would I go after my boss’s job?
Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock
off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva - What do mean this isn’t
business casual?

Elvis - My last boss and I… say, are you
going to eat those fries?

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a
terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He
became something of a local joke when a newspaper began
keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind
of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for
a similar job. One blank on the job application called for
the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

One day, a man was playing softball with a couple of friends.
The ball was hit to him and hit him right in the gonads! The
man rolled on the groung crying. He went to the hospital and
said to the doctor “you have to help me, i’m in so much pain!”
The doctor replied,

“What do you want me to do? I can’t do anything about that!”

But the doctor decided to wrap his genitals in gauze to prevent
them from shaking aroung to much. The guy went home that night
and got ready for his date. When his date arrived, they went
directly into the bedroom. The girl took off her shirt and bra
and said to the guy “Look at these babies, just got them implanted!”
The guy took off his pants and briefs and said,”Oh yea! Look at
these babies, still packaged!”

“When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head
and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your
voice and watch your language. Thank you.”