After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while
on leave. He hadn’t had a woman for may years and was desperate.

He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds
a suitable establishment.

After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman.

‘£100′ she replies

‘I can’t afford that, I only have 50p’

‘I’m sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p’

‘But please help me.. I’m desperate… I have been at sea for many
years…. I need a woman… any woman!’

The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself.

‘Well if you are that desperate… go to room 23 down the hallway.’

Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23.

He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most
grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc.

‘How do you want me luv?’

‘Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!’

When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to
see crabs running in between her legs.

‘Yuck, I ain’t doing that’

‘Well, I can turn on all fours!’ she replies

‘Ok’ says the man and immediatly she gets on all fours.

‘Oh my god… you have shit all over your arse.. that’s sick’

‘Well there is one more way we can do this.’

‘Is there?’ he asks

‘Yeah…’ and she removes an eye from its socket. ‘Stick your dick
in there… go on!’

He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard.

Minutes later he orgasms violently.

‘That was fantastic… how ’bout you?’

‘Great… when will you be in town next?’

‘In about 2-3 years time!’

‘Great, I’ll keep an eye out for you then!’

What’s the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?

Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a
small business.

“I started a new practice last year,” the first said. “I insist
that each of my employees take at least a week off every three
months.”

“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.

She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones
I can do without.”

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches
in length. It’s function is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
It is usually found hung, dangling loosely and ready for
instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things
at one end and a small hole at the other. When used, it is
inserted — almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes
quickly — into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust
in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often
quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic,
pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky
white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer
surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids
have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging
state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully
reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but
often much less.

What am I??As you may have already guessed, the answer to the
riddle is none other than your very own…

toothbrush.

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself
and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he
would say, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn,
that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn that sonofabitch can
drive”, then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, “What’s going on here?
You keep saying, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit”.

“Well”, says the guy, “my friend just got a brand-new sports car,
so he called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. So I
said sure, why not?”

He picked me up and we drove up to the mountains. After we had
lunch, we started back down the mountain and his brakes went out!!
He’s pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So there we were picking up
speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.

We’re going faster and faster and it’s hard to stay on the road.
I’ve got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I’m pleading
with him to do something!!

We’re going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a
500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass,
and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figured
this is it!! I just know we’re gonna die!! So I turne to him and
said… “Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I’ll give you the
best damn blow job you’ve ever had!!”

“DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!”… (SPIT)

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla,
“How do you spell ‘dumb’?”

Darla said, “D-u-m-b, dumb.”

The teacher said, “Very good. Now use it in a sentence.”

The girl said, “Buckwheat is dumb.”

Now spell “stupid.”

Darla said, “S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.”

The teacher said, “Very good. Now use it in a sentence.”

Darla said, “Buckwheat is stupid.”

Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, “Buckwheat, spell
‘dictate.’”

Buckwheat stood up and said, “D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.”

The teacher replied, “Very good. Now use it in a sentence.”

“I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good.”

Two friends, Johnny and Danny, decided to drive across the country
to attend a concert. On the way, their car crashes, and both Danny
and Johnny die. Because both of them were bastards, they’re both
sent to hell. When they get to hell, they speak with Satan.

He says, “You can have another chance at life under one condition.
If you have sex with the ugliest girl in hell, you will be sent
back to Earth.”

Danny and Johnny, looking around, decide to accept this proposal.
So Satan leads first Johnny to the girl, bringing Danny in
afterwards. Johnny enters the room where the girl is, and the
door is locked behind him. He gets it on with the girl and is
sent on his way to Earth. But on the way up, he sees Danny coming
out of this room with this beautiful brunette. He is raging and
demands an excuse.

At that point, the brunette says, “Girls gotta get out of hell too,
you know!”

ane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show. Lady
luck had smiled in her favor, because Jane had gained a
substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win
the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s
host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her
husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish
I knew what the answers were! You know I’m not going to sleep at
all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

“Relax honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her, “It will all be OK.”

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys
and started heading out the door. “Where are you going?” Jane asked.

“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.”

After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a
very wide and wicked grin. “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s
question and answer!”

“What is it?” she cried excitedly.

“OK. The question is ‘What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?’ And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”
The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting
into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question. “The head, the heart, and the
penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger
asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her
teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel
butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding
the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the
big question.

“Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds.”

“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.

“Very good. Six seconds.”

“Eh, uh, the heart?”

“Very good! Four seconds.”

“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night
and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”

“That’s close enough!” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!”

Judge: “Now before I sentence you for killing your wife Mr. Smith,
do you have anything to say”

Smith: “Well sir, I killed her in a heat of passion. I found her
in bed with my best friend. So I shot her”

Judge: “And what did you do to your best friend?”

Smith: “I turned to him and yelled ‘Bad dog, NO treat for you’”