A koala bear from Australia decided to take a vacation to New York
City to enjoy a different culture. After arriving in New York and
getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided to take a
walk.

After touring this adventurous city for a few hours he noticed
several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff. The
koala bear approached one of them and asked, “What are you doing?”

The woman replied “I’m a prostitute. Are you looking for a good
time?”

The koala bear immediately replied yes.

“Do you wanna have sex?” the prostitute asked.

“Well, sure. I mean, I did come here to live up the true New York
experience,” said the bear with a grin on his face.

The prostitute grabbed the bear’s hand and directed him to her
apartment where they had sex. Soon after, the koala bear got out of
bed and proceeded to the door. The prostitute yelled, “Where are you
going?”

The bear told her that he was done and it was time for him to go.

“I’m a prostitute. You have to pay me!”

The bear said with a disgusted tone, “Since when do I have to pay for
sex?”

The prostitute replied, “Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It’s in
the dictionary, look it up.”

The koala bear agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her
shelves to look up the word “prostitute.” It said, “A woman who has
sex in exchange for money.” The prostitute immediately started to
chuckle and asked for her money.

The koala bear then remarked, “Okay, to make it even, why don’t you
look up the word koala bear?”

The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up “koala bear.” The
bear said, “Go ahead, read it aloud!”

The prostitute read the definition out loud. “An Australian animal
that eats bush and leaves.”

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every
hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room
somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed - I don’t care
where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,”
admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split
the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired travellers assured him. “I’ll
take it.”

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-
eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the
manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other
guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time” said Willard.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in
the room,” Willard explained. “I went over, gave him a
kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and
he sat up all night watching me.”

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case
of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes,
the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where
your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can
haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you
won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right.
Get in.”

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother
said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says,
“Pardon” to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man
and he said, “Pardon me.” Her breasts instantly grew an inch
and she was ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he
begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.
She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter
who bowed and said, “A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior.”
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says,
“Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!”

“Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?”
“No, but that didn’t keep her from talking for two hours.”

— — —

“Are you saying that your wife is outspoken?”
“Not by anyone I know of.”

— — —

Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like
the boss.

10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and
eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

50 degrees — New Yorkers turn on the heat. People in Buffalo
plant gardens.

40 degrees — Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in
Buffalo sunbathe.

35 degrees — Italian cars won’t start. People in Buffalo drive
with the windows down.

32 degrees — Distilled water freezes. Buffalo water gets thicker.

20 degrees — Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Buffalo throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees — Californians begin to evacuate the state. People
in Buffalo go swimming.

Zero degrees — New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Buffalo have the last cookout before
it gets cold.

10 degrees below zero — People in Miami cease to exist. People
in Buffalo lick flagpoles.

20 degrees below zero — Californians fly away to Mexico. People
in Buffalo throw on a light jacket.

40 degrees below zero — Hollywood disintegrates. People in
Buffalo rent videos.

60 degrees below zero — Mt. St. Helens freezes. Buffalo Girl
Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

80 degrees below zero — Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Buffalo Boy Scouts postpone “Winter
Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.

100 degrees below zero — Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Buffalo pull down their ear
flaps.

173 degrees below zero — Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Buffalo
get frustrated when they can’t thaw their
kegs.

297 degrees below zero — Microbial life start to disapear. Buffalo
cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 degrees below zero — ALL atomic motion stops. People in Buffalo
start saying “Cold ’nuff for ya?”

500 degrees below zero — Hell freezes over. Buffalo wins the
Stanley Cup.

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to
the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when
our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?”

“I don’t know,” responded the other. “I’ll ask him.” So he
climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we
digging in the hot sun while you’re standing in the shade?”

“Intelligence,” the boss said.

“What do you mean?”

The boss said, “Well, I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this
tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.”

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’
hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree,
immediately clutching his hand in agaony. The boss said, “That’s
intelligence!”

The ditch digger went back to his hole, still in pain. His
friend asked, “What did he say?”

“He said we are down here because of intelligence.”

“What’s intelligence?” said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, “Take your
shovel and hit my hand.”

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a
stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side
of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The
man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the
stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other
horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, “What was all that
about?” He replied, “Nothing. It’s just a stage I’m going through.”

CHAIN LETTERS are the bane of the ‘net. They promise everything from
$$$ from Disney as part of “market research” to bad things that will
happen to those who break them. However, once in a while a gem
crosses my “virtual desk.” This is it. Enjoy!

A CHAIN LETTER FOR THE DISCRIMINATING WOMAN… This chain letter
was started in hopes of bringing relief to tired and discouraged women.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send
this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman
whose name appears on the top of the list, and add your name to the
bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is
bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of
this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom
were worth keeping. REMEMBER — this chain brings luck. One woman’s
pit bull died, and the next day she received an NFL offensive tackle.
An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose
between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist. You can be
lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN.

One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back again.