A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that
she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, ‘Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few
questions.’

He gets her name, address and social security number and then
asks, ‘What is your occupation?’

The woman replies, ‘I’m a whore.’

The accountant baulks and says, ‘No, no, no. That will never
work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.’

The woman says, ‘OK, I’m a prostitute.’

‘No, that is still too crude. Try again.’

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, ‘I’m a chicken
farmer.’

The accountant asks, ‘What does chicken farming have to do with
being a whore or a prostitute?’

‘Well, I raised over 5000 cocks last year!’

A slightly retarded farmer has a farm up the coast of California.
Unfortunately, there are no women around. He gets rather desperate,
and decides to try out an old mule. He puts a stepladder behind the
mule, lowers his pants, but then the mule walks forward. The farmer
gets down off the ladder, moves it forward, and tries again, with
the same outcome.

This process goes on for about 5 more iterations, until he finally
gets the idea to lead the mule up to the ocean, so the mule can’t
walk away. When he gets on the ladder again, he hears a cry for
help out to sea, and sees a drowning woman flailing her arms. He
jumps off the ladder, swims out to rescue her, and drags her back
in. The woman is totally nude, beautiful, and stacked as well.

After he revives her and nurses her back to health, she gazes into
his eyes with her limpid blue eyes, and says

“Oh sir! I’m so thankful to you for saving my life! I’ll do
anything to repay you! Anything!!”

So he says to her; “Could you hold that mule for me?”

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only
real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to
him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a
constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake’s old mule
kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killed her
instantly.

At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered their
sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men
came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to
side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister
approached Jake and asked, “Why was it that you nodded your head up and
down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the
men?”

Well, Jake replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her
dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The
men all asked, “Is that mule for sale!?’”

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for
speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer
about his speed, and in general began to throw his
weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at
some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle
flies there, are ya?” The trooper stopped writing the
ticket and said - “Well yeah, if that’s what they are,
I never heard of circle flies”.

So the farmer says- “Well, circle flies are common on
farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re
almost always found circling around the back end of a
horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, ” Hey—
wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?”

The farmer says, “”Oh no, officer. I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to even
think about calling you a horses ass.” The Trooper
says, ” Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them
flies though.”

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country
with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that
day so he put him in the barn and said “you stay here until you
learn how to behave yourself”.

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About
an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the
Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn’t have room in
the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman
there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.
The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to
the barn.

Later another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer
told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left
for barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.
He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling salesmen
(he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).
The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left
for the barn.

Two hours later, heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When
opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn
and rumpled.

The Farmer said “Good heavens, what happened to you?”

The woman replied “I give up on human nature… the first guy gave me
forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap
jerk in the fur coat never even said thanks!”

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken
farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked
around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best
rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer
went to this far away town and met with Randy’s owner. The owner
confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an
expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to
invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what
he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain
Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also
expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen
house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was
servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the
necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through
the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox
and several other accessible animals. The farmer was
outraged. “Randy” he said, “You can’t possibly last at this
pace.” “Slow down, I need you for a long time.” Well, the next day,
the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like
death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly
getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He
dragged himself up to Randy and said “How could you?” “I asked you to
pace yourself, I told you how important you were.”

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said “Shh, they’re getting closer.”

And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
“It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
“It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
“It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto
them, “It promotes growth and is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto
him, “This new Plan will actively promote the growth and
efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular.”
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how Shit Happens.

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he
was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head.

The farmer said,”Having some problems with circle flies there, are
ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said–”Well yeah, if that’s
what they are–I never heard of circle flies”.

So the farmer says–”Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then
after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you
trying to call me a horses ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horses ass.”

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door.
When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew
how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same
question.

Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to
leave.

Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the
incident. He said he’d stay home the following day just
in case the man returned.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.

The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered
the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex,
she replied, “Sure, I do! Why do you ask?”

“Good,” said the man at the door, “give some to your
husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep
away from my wife!”

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law,
hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the
farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly
reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her
instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the
casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to
the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he
would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the
farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’
and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.

‘ The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my
head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.’