A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his
property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of
a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood.
The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out
to the farmer.
“Do you know how I can get to Route 91?” the driver
asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said,
“Nope.”
“Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?”
the driver asked.
“Nope.”
“How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which
direction it is from here?”
“Nope.”
Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. “You don’t
know very much, do you?” he said.
“Nope,” the farmer replied. “But I’m not lost.”

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn’t
like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30
degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do
because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit
out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.
After two hours Bob’s wife came home and asked Bob,
“What are you doing?”
Bob explained and she said,
“Come on, you will only freeze your ass off.”
Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.
Then his wife got an idea.
“Lets change places when Joe is looking the other way.”
Bob’s Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and
traded places with Bob.
Half an hour later Joe’s wife came home and asked him,
“What are you doing?”
Joe told her and said,
“I am determined to win the bottle!”
“You are crazy. Come on in.”
“Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost
his balls half an hour ago!”

A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop
this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to
unload them somehow.

With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he
decided that would be a good venue to reach more
people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station
to speak with the advertising manager.

The farmer said, “I would like to purchase a minute or
two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful
beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds;
pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans…”

The sales manager said, “Okay, okay, I get the
message. And what would you be able to pay for this
amount of prime advertising time?”

The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said,
very solemnly, “I’d be willing to go as high as $300 to
reach those folks.”

“$300!” the manager yelled, “You must be out of your
mind! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get
the exposure of the Super Bowl! The makers of Kotex
pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!”

The farmer very evenly replied, “I’m sure that’s right.
But those people are out for blood. I’m just farting
around.”

One day, farmer Jones from Minnesota was in town picking
up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store
and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by
the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However he now had a problem: how to carry all of his
purchases home. The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put
the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a
chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking, he met a little old lady who told him she was
lost. She asked,”Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird
Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at
1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take my short cut and go down this
alley. We’ll be there in no time.
The little old lady said, “How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt,
and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an
anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The lady
said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

One day a truckload of fertilizer went by this farm where
a young boy lived. The boy stopped the truck and asked the
driver, “what are you going to use this fertilizer for?”
The man said, “For my strawberries.” The boy replied,
“Well at my place we put sugar and cream on our strawberries.”

A farmer went to the market to buy some new animals. He looked
all day but couldn’t find anything he didn’t already have.
Finally at the end of the day he spied a Zebra.
Wow, he thought I must have that animal on my farm so off he went
home with it. The Zebra didn’t really know what was expected of her
at the farm and tried asking the other animals.
First she saw a pig and went over to chat “hey piggy, what do you
do here?”
“Well” said the pig “I just kinda wait around and eat and roll
in the mud”.
Hmmmm, thought the Zebra, that doesn’t sound very exciting. Next
she noticed a cow in the field. “what do you do here moo cow?” The
cow looked the zebra up and down and said “I just eat grass and chew
my cud and look at the sky all day”. Hmmmmm, that doesn’t sound like
much fun either thought the Zebra. Suddenly, wow!
The Zebra saw a beautiful stallion and raced over to speak to him.
“Hiya horsey! What do you do here?” gasped the Zebra. “Well, came
the answer, “take your pajamas off and I’ll show you!

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend
the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that
he could sleep in the barn.
The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back
into the house.
Well, as the story goes, the farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs
and asked her father, “Who was that man going into the barn?”
“That’s some fellow traveling through,” said the farmer. “He needed a
place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.
The daughter then asked, “Did you offer the man anything to eat?” “Gee,
no, I didn’t,” the farmer answered.
The daughter said, “Well, I’m going to take him some food.” She went
into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to
the barn.
The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house.
When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up
wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long
blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and
went to sleep.
A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked her husband why
their daughter went to bed so early.
“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “I told a man that he could sleep in
the barn, and our daughter took him some food.” “Oh,” replied the
wife.
“Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?” “Umm, no, I didn’t,”
said the farmer. The wife then said, “I’m going to take something
out there for him to drink.” The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle
of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an
hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also
messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went
straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued
on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours
later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went
right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the
house. “Where’s the man from the barn?” she eagerly asked her father.
Her father answered, “He left several minutes ago.” “What?” she cried.
“He left without saying good-bye?
After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate
love to me.”
“What?” shouted the father. The farmer ran out into the front yard
looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the
mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m gonna get you! You had sex
with my daughter!”
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next
to his mouth, and yelled out,
“ILAIDYOUROLDLADYTOO!”

And that’s how yodeling began.

A pig farmer in Alabama was trying to get his pigs to
breed, with no success. Every morning, he’d run outside
to the barn and perform a pregnancy test on the female
pigs. Everyday, the results were negative. The farmer
was baffled.

One day, he called the local vet and asked for some advice.
The farmer explained that he couldn’t get his pigs to mate.
The vet replied, “Try artificial insemination.”

“What’s that?” the farmer asked.

The veterinarian said, “It just means if you can’t get your
pigs to mate, you’ll have to do it for them.”

So the next day the farmer rounded his pigs into the back
of his pickup and headed into the woods. Soon he stopped,
and one by one he shagged each of the pigs.

Later that week, the farmer checked the pigs. None of them
were pregnant! So the farmer took the pigs out again and
shagged them really good.

After days of this, with no pregnant pigs, the farmer gave
up. One morning as he went to feed the pigs, he arrived to
find that the pigs were all missing! He ran back inside the
house and shouted, “Wife! The pigs are gone!”

His wife replied, “Honey you’re not going to believe this, but
all of your pigs are sitting in your pickup, and one of them
is honking the horn.”

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “Ok,
old fella, time to retire.”

The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look at
what it did to me!”

The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this
old man. It’s time for the old to step aside and the young to take
over — so take a hike!”

The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon, just let me have those two old hens
over there in the corner. I won’t bother you.”

The young rooster snarls, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking
over!”

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster,
“I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race around the
farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the
chicken coop.”

The young rooster smiles, “You know I’m going to beat you, old man.
So just to be fair, I’m even going to give you a head start.”

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks “Go!”
and the old rooster takes off running.

About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round
the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind
the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up
and sees what’s going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The
young rooster is blown to smithereens!

Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: “Damnit! That makes the
third gay rooster I bought this week.”

A grade school teacher was teaching the use of the words
defeat, deduct, defense and detail. She asked if anyone
in the class could use one of those words in a sentence.
One little boy threw up his hand and stated proudly that
he could use them all in a sentence. This, the teacher
had to hear. So, she told him to go ahead.
De feet of de duck went under de fence before de tail.