The bartender got tired of hearing these five drunks arguing
about who had the biggest dick.

So he yelled out: “I am tired of this shit. Pull them out and
put them up on the bar and I will tell you who has the biggest.”

They were drunk enough that all five of them responded and placed
their dick up on the bar.

At this time a homosexual walks in, and the bartender ask: “May
I help you?”

To which he responds: “Well, I came in for a glass of wine and a
sandwich but I think I will have the smorgasbord.”

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately,
they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had four more years,
Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually
has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk…and
naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

MEN: Then there is the male addendum to these rules.
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.

White Zin: He’s gay.

“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical”.

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY”, OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F. Troop’,
the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your
birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will
bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”
Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched
hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”
Translated: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t
spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse.”

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a
woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed
separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
tastes; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her, if she is interested,
she’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually
has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is … this should be
an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk … and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this
evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her
mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always,
very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He’s
hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to
help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He’s gay

1. You regularly use the phrase “window treatment”.
2. Your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp de-veiner, a mushroom brush,
or a lemon reamer.
3. You’re over thirty and thinner than you were in high school.
4. You know all the lyrics to any musical besides Jesus Christ
Superstar.
5. Your Christmas decorations include dried roses or baby’s breath.
6. You know the difference between a “soundtrack” and an “original
cast album”.
7. You tape Martha Stewart Living religiously.
8. The only professional sports you watch on TV are gymnastics,
diving, and figure skating.
9. You know what a sconce is.
10. You have a pet named “Liza,” “Gypsy,” or “Talullah”.
11. You have more ties than teeth.
12. You know how to spell Barbra’s first name.
13. You’ve never felt the need to use Barbra’s last name.
14. You know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music.
15. You’ve ever watched the Miss America pageant and said, “Where
did she get that dress?!”
16. It took you a while to realize that International Male was a
catalog.
17. You’ve ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony
Awards.
18. You know the difference between “seafoam” and “celadon”.
19. Your video collection contains All About Eve, The Women, or
Mommie Dearest.
20. You’ve ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole
time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance.
21. You receive a floral arrangement and can name more than three
flowers.
22. You’ve ever used the phrase “floral arrangement”.
23. Your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a
moisturizer.
24. You know where to find tulle really cheap.
25. You can tie a bow tie on someone else.
26. You know whether Chita or Rita did the film version of West Side
Story.
27. Your mother calls you for decorating tips.
28. The names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything
to you at all.
29. You have “dress” sneakers.
30. You own more than two throw pillows, and they didn’t come with
the couch.
31. You’ve ever seriously considered purchasing a divan.
32. You chose your socks this morning to bring out your eyes.
33. You use a Crate and Barrel bag as a lunch box.
34. The only reason you learned how to use the record function on
your VCR was because it was male-strippers day on Donahue.
35. You know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or
Lucy died.
36. Special K means something to you besides breakfast.
37. You own any article of clothing with the logo “2(x)ist”.
38. You still mourn the premature demise of Conran’s.
39. You’ve ever bought a Barbie doll for your niece’s birthday but
her party comes and goes and she never actually opens up a Barbie
doll for a present.
40. You’ve ever walked down the street, had a dozen beautiful men
say hello to you, and not been able to recall a single face or
name.
41. You own a pair of kneepads yet play no organized sport.
42. You’ve ever uttered the phrases “Get her!,” “She’s a mess,” or
“What’s her problem?”
43. You talk in italics.
44. You’ve ever needed a massage because you’d overworked your
eyebrows.
45. You’ve ever even for a second wondered what size butt plug you’d
take.
46. You simply hate the color lavender because it makes you look
sallow.
47. You know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the
admitting doctor in the emergency room when Richard Gere came in
with a gerbil up his butt.
48. You know for sure that Richard Gere isn’t gay because you know a
guy who slept with Gere’s brother, who is gay and who swears
that Richard isn’t.
49. Someone says “How ’bout them Bulls?” and all you can think of are
petite picadors in tight pants.
50. You see a sign for IKEA, Pottery Barn, or Hold Everything and
your palms start to sweat.
51. You require two syllables to say “please,”.
52. Your pairs of shoes outnumber days of the week.
53. Your underwear drawer is filled with nothing but Calvin Klein, in
assorted styles and colors.
54. You save the packaging materials from said Calvin Klein
purchases.
55. At eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on
the beat.
56. You’ve ever, while walking down the street, executed an impromptu
series of grande jetttes.
57. You still can’t get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with
George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in
the 1984 Tony’s.
58. You’ve ever gone to a Mel Gibson movie, merely in the hope that
he will repeat his butt-bearing performance in Lethal Weapon.
59. You’ve ever felt guilty at being attracted to someone as
homophobic as Mel Gibson.
60. You know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins,
Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common.
61. You display in any public form a reproduction of Michaelangelo’s
David.
62. You’ve ever trimmed your pubic hair to make “it” look bigger.
63. You’ve ever sighed with jealousy at the sight of a starlet in a
feather boa.
64. You take a size-13 pump.
65. You own any chaps and they weren’t designed by Ralph Lauren.
66. You’ve often had a “beard,” but never had facial hair.
67. The last time you put on a floor-length organdy ball gown, you
first had to shave your chest.
68. By the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you’ve given every
other passenger a “fashion score”.
69. You’d sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a work-out
ensemble that just didn’t match.
70. You’re the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother
left you the Limoges.
71. You can think of more than five uses for a doily.
72. Whenever you hear the name “Christina,” you get the urge to shout
“Bring me the axe!”
73. You’re currently wearing a studded, leather ring approximately 3
inches in diameter, but no one can see it.
74. You know who Dorothy Gale is.
75. You’ve ever spontaneously quoted any of the lines from Auntie
Mame.
76. You’ve ever run a red light because you were too busy thinking
about what you were going to wear to the White Party.
77. You’ve ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice
“basket”.
78. You’ve bookmarked www.menonthenet.com.
79. You’ve ever turned when someone yelled “Hey, Mary!” and your name
isn’t Mary.
80. You worship Marky Mark, but own none of his CDs.
81. You can tell on sight the difference between a salchow and a
triple lutz.
82. You’ve sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette
Davis impersonation.
83. You’re the only one in the class picture wearing spats and an
ascot.
84. You used adverbs before the age of two.
85. You know exactly where to find those Brad Pitt photos on the
Internet.
86. You can give directions to the nearest “glory hole”.
87. You prefer Maria’s 1958 Normas to her 1959 Normas.
88. The idea of a car-parts store with the name “Ellis the Rim Man”
makes you giggle.
89. You have more friends named Richard, Steven, and Michael than
Rich, Steve, and Mike.
90. You’ve ever coed so aggressively that you drew blood.
91. The last time you danced at a wedding, you accidentally started
to follow.
92. People admire your “six-pack,” and you don’t drink soda or beer.
93. You’ve ever introduced someone as your “partner,” and you’re not
in business together.
94. You’ve ever sent anything in black latex as a gift.
95. You’re known as someone who works “The Circuit,” but you have no
knowledge whatsoever of electronics.
96. In your last “divorce” you fought over who would get the Soloflex.
97. You’ve ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally
said “cum towel” instead.
98. You’ve ever answered the phone at night to the sound of a husky
male voice and asked “So, what’re you into?’ only to find the
guy’s from Citibank.
99. You regularly slap other men on the butt, but you don’t coach a
football team.
100. Your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale.
101. Your dog is smaller than a bread box.
102. To you the antonym for “no” is “fabulous”.
103. At the gym you spend more time in the shower than on the
stairmaster.
104. You’ve ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting.
105. You regularly “toss the salad,” and it involves no greenery or
vegetable of any kind.
106. You’ve ever said “Look at the tits on her!” and there were no
women anywhere in sight.
107. You’ve ever gone 5 blocks out of your way to walk through Times
Square to check out the latest Antonio Sabato billboards.
108. You’ve been to “The Mineshaft” but you weren’t digging for coal.

The bartender got tired of hearing these five drunks arguing
about who had the biggest dick.

So he yelled out: “I am tired of this shit. Pull them out and
put them up on the bar and I will tell you who has the biggest.”

They were drunk enough that all five of them responded and placed
their dick up on the bar.

At this time a homosexual walks in, and the bartender ask: “May
I help you?”

To which he responds: “Well, I came in for a glass of wine and a
sandwich but I think I will have the smorgasbord.”

The bartender got tired of hearing these five drunks arguing
about who had the biggest dick.

So he yelled out: “I am tired of this shit. Pull them out and
put them up on the bar and I will tell you who has the biggest.”

They were drunk enough that all five of them responded and placed
their dick up on the bar.

At this time a homosexual walks in, and the bartender ask: “May
I help you?”

To which he responds: “Well, I came in for a glass of wine and a
sandwich but I think I will have the smorgasbord.”

This man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing it’s a gay bar and
sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says
“Wanna play football”

The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says
“alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal.

So the man says I’m goin’ for the feild goal and the gay guy
gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about
to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell
why you do that.

The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.

So, one of the Englishmen walked
over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said,
“Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told
him St. Patrick was a faggot, and
he didn’t care.”

The second Englishman remarked,
“You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.”

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped
him on the shoulder and said,
“Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.
“You’re right. He’s unshakable!”

The third Englishman emarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off…
just watch.”

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him
on the
shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately,
they concurred on almost all counts.

The Results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her, if she is interested,
she’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually
has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…. this should be
an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this
evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her
mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always,
very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay.