PARATROOPER

A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.

“Dad” he says, “on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergent standing behind me told me that if I didn”t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass.”

“Well did you jump?” asks his dad.

“Just a little at first” answered the boy.

FERRY BOAT

Two Gays are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by underneath them.

One says to the other…”What kind of ship is that?” “Container ship.”

“OK, what’’s that one over there?” “Oil Tanker.”

“How about that one?” “That’’s a ferry boat.”

“Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own NAVY!”

ONE LINERS

How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fuck him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn”t like the way he was being reared.

Why do so many gays have moustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

Did you hear about the homosexual electron? Went around blowing fuses.
Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 goverment employees in one room?
100 people that don”t do dick!

Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?

A fruit stand.
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

What’’s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo everyone yells, “Ride that sucker”

GAY BOYS

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free.”

The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I”m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”

PUSSIES

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two ladies a drink.”

The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.”

The man, with a confused look on his face says, “It doesn”t matter, I want to buy those women a drink.”

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.”

The women both reply, “It won’t do you any good.”

The man says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?”

The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.”

The man replies, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?”

The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick pussies.”

The man says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”

The Elephant’s Thing

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don”t laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: “Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.”

Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, “I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000.” “Yeah, he’’s out back”

After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.

A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: “Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.” Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.

In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.

“Easy.” said the man, “When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it.”

“Smoking Dope or Doing Time”

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked
the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor,” he replied, “I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and
told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge.

“And you, how did you do?” he asked the second boy.

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar approach,” he answered. “I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your asshole before you go to prison………..”

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says ” I don’t have a problem, I’m celebrating my first blow job!”

The bartender looks with a smile and says,” well that’s just dandy, let me get the next one!”

“No thanks”, says the guy, “if 6 shots won’t wash the taste out, the 7th won’t help either!!!”

The Elephant’s Thing

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don”t laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: “Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.”

Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, “I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000.” “Yeah, he’’s out back”

After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.

A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: “Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.” Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.

In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.

“Easy.” said the man, “When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it.”

EVERYBODY IS GAY

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The bartender says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.” “Yes, I”ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I”ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn”t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”