Two Gay Guys

Two gay guys were in the shower together when one looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid.

He said to the other man What did I tell you about farting in the shower?

THE BOYFRIEND

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ”H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ”Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ”M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”

Travel Voucher

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, “Excuse me, are you Gay?”

The man, somewhat stunned, said, “Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!”

The flight attendent said, “I”m sorry, but you”ll have to get off the plane.”

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, “Excuse me, you”ve made a mistake - I”m Gay!”

Finally, another man jumped up and said, “Well, hell, I”m gay too! They can”t throw us all off!”

Travel Voucher

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, “Excuse me, are you Gay?”

The man, somewhat stunned, said, “Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!”

The flight attendent said, “I”m sorry, but you”ll have to get off the plane.”

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, “Excuse me, you”ve made a mistake - I”m Gay!”

Finally, another man jumped up and said, “Well, hell, I”m gay too! They can”t throw us all off!”

Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?

They kept trying each other.

A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:
Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out?

Man: If you died and went to Hell, you”d be bumming out too.

Devil: Hell isn”t what you think it is. It’s fun down here. Say, do you drink?

Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?

Devil: Well, you”re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink til we puke then we drink more.

Man: Ah, that sounds great.

Devil: Do you smoke?

Man: Damn right I do.

Devil: Cool! You”re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don”t have to worry about getting cancer because you”re already dead anyways.

Man: No shit!

Devil: You like gambling?

Man: Hell yeah!

Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.

Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.

Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?

Man: I love getting stoned! You mean…

Devil: That’’s right man, because on Thursdays, it’’s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don”t have to worry about overdosing because you”re already dead anyhow.

Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!

Devil: Are you gay?

Man: Uh, no.

Devil: Oooh, you”re gonna hate Fridays!

Two older, suburban, homosexual gentlemen had been living together for a couple of years, and were getting quite bored with their lives. They were looking at little knickknacks at a garage sale in the Castro, when one of them (Scott) stumbled upon what appeared to be a rare find.

“Look Jim, I just found the most fabulous…pot, or, I dont know what it is! It is It’’s pretty filthy, but I bet it would look great in our living room!”

Jim agreed, and they purchased the object. Apparently, the holder of the sale had no idea just how valuable a thing he had on his hands, because he sold it for $10.

Later that night, Scott decides he wants to dust off this old thing. To his surprise, what he thought was an old piece of pottery was in fact made of what appeared to be gold!

“Honey, come here!” he yelled.

Jim came running, and Scott continued to polish, until POOF!- A huge creature appears in their living room! Both men scream.

“Do not be frightened!” The creature says. “I am the genie of the lamp, and you have freed me from 1000 years imprisonment by an evil sorceress. I will grant the two of you a total of three wishes as thanks!”

The two take some time to gather themselves. They stare blankly at the genie, at each other, and at the lamp for a few minutes. Finally, Jim says, “Do we have to give all three now?” “Very well,” the genie replies. “You have three days in which to ask for your wishes.” With that, the genie vanished.

The next day, the couple decided that they would each get one wish, and would pick the one together. They decided to first to ask for wealth. When they woke up the next day, Scott found out that he had won $100 million in the lottery, and Jim discovered that he was a distant cousin of the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan had just died, and left Jim $500 million.

That same day Scott asked for beauty. When they awoke the next morning (in their fabulous new Belvadere Mansion), they were both stunning. Jim was a full 6 inches taller, looked twenty-five again, but was more beautiful than he had ever been at that or any age. Scott lost all his blemishes, 50 pounds, and looked like a cross between his old self and a GQ model.

Finally, it was Jims turn. Around midnight on the third day, Scott asked Jim what he was going to wish. But Jim had ALWAYS been finicky. It once took him five hours to decide whether to buy a pillow case in grape or aubergine.

“Hurry and think of something before its too late!” Scott said. Jim decided he needed time to think, so he went off to the veranda to ponder this important decision.

Just that moment, Scott heard a loud banging at the door. “Who is it?” he says. “Open up boy! We gone kill you!!”, a southern-accented voice replies. Scott looks through the window and sees men in white hoods on horses, burning crosses on his lawn.

“Honey! Honey! COME QUICK!!!! The KKK is outside our door!” Jim runs over.

“What in the world are THEY doing in Marin County-I thought this place was liberal-well, I”ll call the police!” Jim says. But the phones are DEAD! The Klansmen had cut the lines!

“HONEY! WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY! USE YOU LAST WISH TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY!” Scott screams.

“I can”t” he replies, as he slumps to the floor, and the Klansmen begin knocking down the door.

“WHY NOT?!”

Jim paused and replied, “Because I ALREADY wished that we could be hung like black men.”

Q: How do you know when it’’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’’s home?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
A: A fruit stand.

Q: Why did the gay man get a job at the loading dock?
A: He loved taking deliveries in the rear.

Q: Why do gay men make good linemen?
A: They love penetrating the defense.

Q: Why couldn”t the gay quarterback make it in the NFL?
A: He was too foreward with his passes.

Q: How do you make a lesbian anorexic eat?
A: Put pussy hair around her dinner plate.

Q: What do you call a fart in the men’’s room of a gay bar?
A: A love call.

Q: Why did the gay criminal keep going back to prison?
A: He loved it in the can.

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he’s been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.

The sheriff ditfully arrests the fag and says to him, “ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!”

The fag says, “I’ll need at least two hours.”

Top Ten Mike Tyson Complaints About Television

10. When you try to fondle woman you see on TV, you bust the screen

9. Lack of violence on most shows sends wrong message to kids

8. Why doesn’t the Skipper ever bite off Gilligan’s ear?

7. If you see commercial for something on TV and yell, “I want that!” it doesn’t instantly materialize before you

6. CBS rejected his idea for new show: “Cold Cocked By An Angel”

5. “Martha Stewart Living” only an hour long

4. This guy (video clip of “Rent-A-Friend” guy from Dave’s Video Collection)

3. “Hollywood Squares” is back on TV and my phone has not rung once

2. I’m told I can “Win Ben Stein’s Money” when I’d much prefer to “Kick Ben Stein’s Ass”

1. Thought “Beverly Hills 90210″ was the name of new female inmate