A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker, “Sir, is that a U-boat?
“No,” he replied, shesa belonga to da goverment.”
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, “Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he’s got a purple heart on!”
His mother replied, “I don’t give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses’ for a couple hours.”
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy
OWNERSHIP SURVEY
This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor), and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you don’t know: McDonnell-Douglas is one of the world’s chief suppliers of military aircraft.)
================================
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell-Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_]Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: …………………………………………….
Initial: ……..
Last Name: ……………………………………………..
Password: ………………………… (max 8 char)
Code Name: ……………………………………………..
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ……….. ……….. ……….
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19……. / ……. /……
4. Serial Number:…………………………………………
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift [_] Aid package [_] Catalog showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend/relative/ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style/Appearance [_] Speed/Maneuverability [_] Price/Value [_] Comfort/Convenience [_] Kickback/Bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Central/South America [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia/Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply.)
[_] Communist/Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler’s check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker [_] Sales/Marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Postal Worker [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister/General [_] Retired [_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf [_] Boating/Sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running/Jogging [_] Propaganda/Disinformation [_] Destabilization/Overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market/Smuggling [_] Collectibles/Collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation/Torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage/Reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division
And the Lord spoke to Noah: ”In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.”
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
”Okay,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
”Six months, and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. ”You’d better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.”
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
”Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where is my Ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
”Lord, please forgive me,” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
”You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked, hopefully.
”Wrong!” thundered the Lord. ”But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.”
”What’s that?” asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:
”Government.”