A man from Atlanta moved to New York. As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in. On looking around he noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which had a tag on it saying, “Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00″.

The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain.

“Well” said the man, “its just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its story”.

“I’ll just take the cat,” said the man.

“Very well, but you will be back,” said the salesman.

The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket.

As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound. On turning around he noticed there were a couple of cats following him.

The further he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he got to the Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him.

“Screw this!” he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river. All the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned.

The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat.

“I knew you would be back. $150.00 for the story,” said the salesman.

“Forget the story,” said the man. “Have you got a bronze Mets fan?”

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can
get two tattoos.

The artist says, “Sure.”

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey,
and beneath it she would like it to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” On
her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa
Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, “Merry Christmas.”

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and
after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told
him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to
eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Rule #1: If you’re traveling, never ever eat in any place called “Mom’s” — well, unless the only other places in town to dine are named “Eats” and “Dirty Harry’s”.

Rule #2: If you’ve entered a restaurant in the “Little Italy” section of the town, and you’ve noticed all the waiters are wearing shoulder holsters, you’d better just leave.

Rule #3: If you’re waiting in line to be seated at a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours or a twenty — whichever comes first.

Rule #4: If you’re given a choice of tables by the maitre d’hotel, my suggestion is that you always request one near a waiter.

Rule #5: If you notice that the tablecloth and the napkins are made of a better material than any suit you own, you’d better hope your credit card is not maxed-out.

Rule #6: If you’re in a fancy restaurant and you find you cannot pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are you probably can’t afford it either.

Rule #7: If you’ve been served bread and rolls while awaiting your meal, and you find the place is using a cheap substitute for margarine, you’d probably better just leave.

Rule #8: If you notice a bottle of Maalox along with a variety of other antacids among the condiments on the table, you’d probably better not order anything spicy

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor’s house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. “Excuse me”, our man stammered, “but I couldn’t help noticing how beautiful your wife is.”

“Yeah? So?” his hulking neighbor replied.

“Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.”

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. “OK,” the husband says gruffly, “for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife’s tits.”

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

“Well, come on already, kiss ‘em!” he growls.
“I can’t” replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
“Why not?” demands the husband, getting really angry now.

“I don’t have ten thousand dollars!”

There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.

So the Englishman sets off, but he only gets half way.
Then the Scotsman sets off, and he only gets half way too.
But the Chinise guy manages to get all the way across the desert.
The Englishman and the Scottsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?

“Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy’s willy”

You’re so poor that when I came to your house and ask to use the washroom, you hand me a shovel and point me toward the back door.

Yo Mama’s so ugly…

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Her pillow cries at night

Yo Mama’s so poor…

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She can’t even afford to pay attention

You so skinny, you strap Popsicle sticks to your feet to keep from going down the drain

It was the yearly family camping trip for the Smith family, and they were all awaiting a suprise. The suprise was Uncle Ronny Smith’s new girlfried, which he had met on the internet. When Uncle Ronny got to the cabin, the family was in shock! They seen Uncle Ronny and then they seen this HUGE Mammoth of a woman named Jen. There were two trails behind the cabin, 22 and 23. The family decided to take a walk. Later that night when the family returned, they all sat around the camp fire, Jen and Ronny’s brother, Jimmy Smith, got into a huge arguement. After all of the feuding, Jimmy says to Jen, “Listen bitch, I bet you if you fell down the hill, you would start rolling and this park would have a new trail, 22A!!”