If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died.”

When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems. And needless to mention, they’ll disappear at once.

If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet…

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling.

My stigmata’s acting up.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.

I can’t come to work today because the Environmental Protection
Agency has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands
and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.

I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead.

A man died and went to hell. As he passed sulforous pits and
shrieking sinners, he saw his former attorney snuggling with a
beautiful woman. “That’s not fair!” he cried, “I have to roast for
all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful
woman!” The devil barked, “Shut up! Who are you to question that
woman’s punishment?”

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can
get two tattoos.

The artist says, “Sure.”

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey,
and beneath it she would like it to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” On
her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa
Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, “Merry Christmas.”

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and
after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told
him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to
eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can
get two tattoos.

The artist says, “Sure.”

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey,
and beneath it she would like it to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” On
her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa
Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, “Merry Christmas.”

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and
after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told
him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to
eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can
get two tattoos.

The artist says, “Sure.”

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey,
and beneath it she would like it to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” On
her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa
Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, “Merry Christmas.”

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and
after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told
him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to
eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a
painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be
British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an
apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. Clearly, they
are Russian.”

A woman was determined to stop her husband from sleeping in Church.
So, she started poking him with her hat pin every time he fell asleep.

Right about the first time he fell asleep, the preacher was asking,
“And who created the Universe?” The wife pokes her husband and he
awakes and yells, “My God!” The second time he falls asleep the
preacher asks, “And who died on the cross for you?” She pokes her
husband and he screams, “Jesus Christ!”

The third time, the Preacher asks, “And what did Eve say to Adam
after she bore him his 99th son?” The wife pokes her husband and
he jumps up and yells, “If you poke me with that thing one more
time, I’m going to break it off!!!”

What did the Ethiopian say when the skeleton fell on him?
Get off me you fat bastard.

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was
worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone
with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he
went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard
looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d
see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory
where the good wizardwas showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt…except it had a rather large hole
in the most obvious place.

“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this
opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his
cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was
going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping
aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine
blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now
I can leave knowing that my queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set
out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately
he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them
drop their trousers for an informal ’short arm’ inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated
or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.

“Sir Galahadhis,” exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only
true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true
to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it
is yours!”

But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.