“I can’t find it.”
REALLY MEANS “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so
I’m completely clueless.”

“That’s women’s work.”
REALLY MEANS “It’s dirty, difficult and thankless.”

“Will you marry me?”
REALLY MEANS “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find
the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
REALLY MEANS “There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

“Can I help with dinner?”
REALLY MEANS “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“It would take too long to explain.”
REALLY MEANS “I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
REALLY MEANS “The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“We’re going to be late.”
REALLY MEANS “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like
a maniac.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
REALLY MEANS “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.”
REALLY MEANS “Are you still talking?”

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
REALLY MEANS “I forgot our anniversary again.”

“It’s really a good movie.”
REALLY MEANS “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars and naked women.”

“You know how bad my memory is.”
REALLY MEANS “I remember the words to the theme song of
“F Troop”, the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle
Identification Number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot
your birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
REALLY MEANS: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe, wearing a thong.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal.”
REALLY MEANS “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house.”
REALLY MEANS “I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing.”
REALLY MEANS “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“What did I do this time?”
REALLY MEANS “What did you catch me at?”

“I heard you.”
REALLY MEANS “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that
you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You really look terrific in that outfit.”
REALLY MEANS “Please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I brought you a present.”
REALLY MEANS “It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.”

“I missed you.”
REALLY MEANS “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry
and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
REALLY MEANS “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“This relationship is getting too serious.”
REALLY MEANS “I like you as much as I like my truck.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
REALLY MEANS “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help.”

To the tune of “A Bicycle Built For Two” Monica, Monica, give me
a little head. I’m half crazy, cause Hillary won’t share our bed.
She won’t give me head or spread ‘em. Not even with a condom. So,
if you please, get on your knees, And give me a little head! PARTY….

The White House Staff

His Tiny Advisor

The Nuclear Button

The Executive Branch

The Little Pollster

His Soft Contribution

His Pocket Veto

The Secret Servicer

The Presidential Caucus

LITTLE ROCK Commander in Briefs

The Erectoral College

IRS (Intern Ramming System)

Lincoln Room Womb Broom

McTool (Over 3 Billion Served)

Politically Erect

Power Pole

Presidential Probe

Pubic Servant

Scandal Handle

Top Banana

The Ugly Stick

West Wing Nut

White House Woody

The Sin Doctor

Hail to the Beef

The Cabinet Member

Titanic
(because 1,500 people went down on it)

The Gross National Product

The Washington Monument

The Washington Post CLINTON’S EXCUSES