Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s
sex drive by 90%…wedding cake!
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever so far, so good.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but goundhogs don’t get sucked into jet engines.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory… Some don’t have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the
bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes He would have put them on my knees
If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Living is a terminal disease.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets
and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked
an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective
seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed
the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor
came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and
said, “Ticket, please”.
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket
in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers
on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy
a ticket at all.
“How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one perplexed
accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.
The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left
his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants
were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please”.
My forgetter’s getting better,
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny,
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I’m “here” I’m wondering
If I really should be “there;”
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!
Often times I walk into a room,
Say “what am I here for?”
I wrack my brain,
but all in vain;
A zero is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe,
but, Gee! The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say “Hi” and have a chat.
Then, when the person walks away,
I ask myself, “Who was that?”
Yes, my forgetter’s getting better,
While my rememberer is broke;
It’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.
Please send this to everyone you know,
because I DON’T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody,
Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure
that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done!
New billboards are getting attention in Cleveland (and other places).
Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed
all of them. Here’s a list of all variations of the “God Speaks”
billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white
text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
Tell the kids I love them.
-God
Let’s meet at my house Sunday
before the game.
-God
C’mon over and bring the kids.
-God
What part of “Thou Shalt Not…”
didn’t you understand?
-God
We need to talk.
-God
Keep using my name in vain,
I’ll make rush hour longer.
-God
Loved the wedding,
invite me to the marriage.
-God
That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing…
I meant it.
-God
I love you and you
and you and you and…
-God
Will the road you’re on
get you to my place?
-God
Follow me.
-God
Big bang theory,
you’ve got to be kidding.
-God
My way is the highway.
-God
Need directions?
-God
You think it’s hot here?
-God
Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
-God
Do you have any idea
where you’re going?
-God
(And my personal favorite…)
Don’t make me come down there.
-God