Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s
sex drive by 90%…wedding cake!

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever so far, so good.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but goundhogs don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory… Some don’t have film.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the
bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes He would have put them on my knees

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Living is a terminal disease.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets
and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked
an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective
seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed
the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor
came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and
said, “Ticket, please”.

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket
in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers
on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy
a ticket at all.

“How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one perplexed
accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.
The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left
his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants
were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please”.