Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer,
a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly
the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The
three engineers look at each other with bewilderment,
wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics,
suggests, “Let’s strip down the electronics of the car
and try to trace where a fault might have occurred.”

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics,
suggests, “Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and
is causing a blockage somewhere in the system.”

The Microsoft engineer suggests, “Why don’t we close
all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows
again, and maybe it will work.”

A girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for
I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at
myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear,
I have good news. That isn’t a sin… it s simply a mistake.”

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please
remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something
for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time,
not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying
about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present
in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don’t despair. There are people
in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of
work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person
who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman
in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed
her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that
walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer
patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about,
asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live
long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse.
You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have
touched their life in ways you will never know

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they
found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order
the figures were: 1. A Woman 2. A Donkey 3. A Shovel 4. A Fish
and 5. A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader
took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings
were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a
lot about the people of that time.

1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated
that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a
family oriented culture.
2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably
used the donkey to till the fields.
3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how
to make tools.
4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised
by also reaping from the sea.
5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious
group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the
speaker. When acknowledged he said…..
“I’m sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left
to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it
reads………
“Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!!

I hope, one day, to live up to my dog’s opinion of me
– Author unknown

People want to say there isn’t racial profiling at the airport, but
let’s be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name
isn’t Ali, arrive at the airport extra early.

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as
10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late
with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster
in charge of immigration.
— Jay Leno

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her
ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. Since
I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about
the occupations of family members, Mom answered, “My son is a lawyer.”
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an
attorney. “Only to mow my lawn,” she said.

“May I take your order?” the waiter asked. “Yes, how do you prepare
your chickens?” “Nothing special sir,” he said. “We just tell them
straight out that they’re going to die.”

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before….

If you speak three languages, you’re trilingual.
If you speak two languages, you’re bilingual.
If you speak one language, you’re American.

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all
of my intelligence come from?”
The father replied: “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your
mother, ’cause I still have mine.”

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A boy jumped into a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to
hear about all the men she could have married, and she
didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

An elderly woman died last month. Having never
married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her
handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she
wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I
don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What
would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said, “Call for backup.”

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before
she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?”
Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a
baby-sitter.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds. After
explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and
thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou
shall not kill.”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the
week his mother noticed him lying down as though he
were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little
Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think
I’m going to have a wife.”

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in
the yard and asked his mother, “Who am I? ”
Ready to play the game she said, “I don’t know! Who
are you?”
“WOW!” cried the child. “Mrs. Johnson was right!
She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t
recognize me!”

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on
the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe
everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise
not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Gee I wonder how many of you are really experiencing this?

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem,
doctor.” “Every time we’re in bed and my husband reaches a climax,
he lets out an outrageous yell.”

“My dear,” the doctor said, “that’s completely natural and healthy.
So, what’s the problem?”

“The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up!”

Sign over a gynecologist’s office
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

At a military hospital-door to endoscopy:
“To expedite your visit, please back in”

On a Plumbers truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a laundry shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge,
close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory?”

At a towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the
right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

In a podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. “We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait ”

At a propane filling station:
“Tank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak”

A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain.

While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, “Hey pal, I’m Polish and I don’t like you telling all those Polish jokes!”

So I said, “Well, they’re not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland.”

“My mother is in Poland!” he screams, and pulls out a razor.

Boy was I scared!! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!

——————————————————————————–

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Then why in God’s name did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, “What’s so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle says ‘Polish Remover’?”

Sign over a gynecologist’s office
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

At a military hospital-door to endoscopy:
“To expedite your visit, please back in”

On a Plumbers truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a laundry shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge,
close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory?”

At a towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the
right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

In a podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. “We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait ”

At a propane filling station:
“Tank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak”