The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to
take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and
got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old
ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked,
got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand
nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and
sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and
wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: ‘You know , I have
a special gift, I can read minds.’

‘Impossible’, said the embarrassed man, ‘You really know what
I think?’

‘Yes’, the lady replied, ‘Right now, I bet you think that the
bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night
when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom,
flings open her robe and yells:

“Super Pussy!”

The old man says: “I’ll have the soup.”

Three international convicts were on the way to prison. They
were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy
their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you
bring?”

The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that
he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
“Claude Monet of prison.”

Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”

The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said,
“I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and
any number of games.”

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to
himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so
smug? What did you bring?”

The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.
He said. “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with
those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well, according
to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . .”

The fishing party was hopelessly lost in the deep woods.
The sun was going down and the mosquitoes were starting to
bite when one of the fishermen growled, “I thought you said
you were the best guide in Minnesota.”

“Oh I am,” replied the guide firmly, “but I’m pretty sure
we’re in Manitoba by now.”

If you answer “yes” to eight or more of these questions, you
may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:

* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send
for you with a limo?
* After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window,
has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?
* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two
refrigerator bulbs?
* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next
elevator?
* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?
* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized
you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?
* Is there a restraining order against you from the
Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?
* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to
stay in the center of the ship?
* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?
* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?
* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than
other streets?

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not an UNTOUCHABLE SNOB - She is a SCRATCH RESISTANT
MODEL.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY
OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST
QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in
DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL
STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY
IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
COMPANION.

She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM
DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached
COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE - She is ELASTICALLY UNDERPRIVILEGED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated people don’t give a crap.
2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
3. If you drink don’t park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive better.
8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek
counseling.
12. Impotence Nature’s way of saying “No Hard Feelings.”
13. If you can read this I’ve lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken…watch for finger.
15. It’s not how you pick your nose, but where you put the
booger.
16. If you’re not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
18. The earth is full–go home.
19. I have the body of a God….Buddha.
20. This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.
21. So many pedestrians-so little time.
22. Cleverly disquised as a responsible adult.
23. If we quit voting will they all go away?
24. The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.
25. Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
26. Illiterate? Write for help.
27. Honk if anything falls off.
28. Cover me I’m changing lanes.
29. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the
next exit.
30. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
31. You! Out of the gene pool!
32. I do whatever my rice Krispies tell me to.
33. Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
34. It’s been lovely but I have to scream now.
35. I haven’t lost my mind, It’s backed up on a disk somewhere.
36. Seen on the back of a biker’s vest–If you can read this,
the bitch fell off.
37. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
38. Fight crime shoot back.
39. If you can read this, please flip me back over..
(seen upside down, on a jeep).
40. Remember folks stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed
for 70mph.
41. Guys no shirt, no service, gals no shirt, no charge.
42. If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman
look like Jabba the Hut?
43. Necropillia that uncontrollable urge to crack open a
cold one.
44. Ax me about Ebonics.
45. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel.
46. Boldly going nowhere.
47. Cat the other white meat.
48. Caution–Driver legally blonde!
49. Don’t be sexist-broads hate that.
50. Heart attacks–Gods revenge for eating his animal friends.
51. Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
52. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he
is lost?
53. If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with
bullets.
54. Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
55. Saw it…Wanted it…Had a fit…Got it!
56. Warning! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
57. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers in
training. Among the speakers were many well-known motivational
speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire
crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent
in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was
shocked! He followed up by saying “And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went
over well.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the
seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly
approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the
joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him that morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of
my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my
wife!” His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for
almost 10 seconds, trying to recall the second half of the joke,
the pastor finally blurted out “… and I can’t remember who she
was!”

Goulish Jokes The professor was removing organs from the
deceased before his students, all the while saying, “. . .
and this is the heart, and this is the liver,and this is the
kidney, and this is . . .”

“What the heck is the professor doing?” asked a student.

“Shh! He’s giving an organ recital.”

You heard about the little mouse who looked up, saw a bat, and
thought it was his fairy godmother?

Bloodshed - where the Red Cross keeps the plasma Blood Vessel -
That’s how it gets overseas

Cemetary - bone zone.

Headline: Due to strike, grave-digging at cemetary will be done
by skeleton crews.

Epitaph on tombstone of old maid: You can take it with you.

Two old guys watching a funeral cortege:
Guy 1: “Who died?”
Guy 2: “I’m not sure but I think it’s the guy in the first car.”

Guy 1: “Why are you putting a wreath on that fuse box?”
Guy 2: “My brother got the electric chair one year ago today.”

A kid stole a sign from a nursery and stuck it in front of a
funeral parlor. It read: LET US DO YOUR PLANTING FOR YOU.

Undertaker - the last guy to let you down.

Jack the Ripper’s mother said to Jack, “How come you never go
out with the same girl twice?”

The deceased’s family couldn’t afford a stone, so they just
left his head out.

A man has his wife cremated and as he watches the smoke come out,
he says, “That’s the first time I ever saw her hot.”

Funeral director - a guy who tries to look sad during a ten
thousand-dollar funeral.

Man: “Doctor, I have a bad time every night. As I look out my
bedroom window, I see the ghosts of my ancestors sitting on top
of the fence posts. They sit there staring and howling. What can
I do?” Doctor: “Sharpen the tops of the fence posts.”

A ghost floats up to the bartender : “Do you serve spirits
in here?”

Mummy - an Egyptian pressed for time.

Undertaker - the last man to box John L. Sullivan.

Sign on electric chair: “You can be sure if it’s Westinghouse.

One day this guy was hiking up to an old camp. There was
an outhouse along the way, so the guy goes up to the
outhouse and accidentally drops a nickel down the hole.
He was very upset about this and threw his whole wallet
down into the hole.

Another guy who was hiking saw him throw his wallet down
in the outhouse hole and asked, “Hey buddy, what did you
do that for?”

The guy’s reply was, “You didn’t think I would go down
there for just a nickel did you?”