An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge walleye bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn’t believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled in another huge walleye!

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t stand it any more. He hadn’t caught a fish all day. He went to the boy and said, “Boy, I’ve been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you do it?”

The boy said, “Oo af o rep ra rums rm.”

“What,” asked the old man?

Again the boy said, “Oo af o rep ra rums rm.”

Freezing and impatient the old man yelled “Look, I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff into his hands and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!!”

Brendan Behan back in his day was asked to think up a
slogan for the benefits of newly formed Labour party in Dublin..
He was running a few ideas through his head
I.E From.. the Cradle to the Grave….. Naw!
From.. Birth to Death……………Naw!
From.. Youth to Old Age………….Naw!
From ..Erection to Resurrection….Thats It

ILLEGAL RIGHT TURN….A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes
a turn at a red light where it isn’t allowed. “Uh-oh, I just
made an illegal turn!” the man said.
“That’s OK Dad,” the son says, “The police car right behind us
did the same thing.”

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the
way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He
found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
“QUEEN SIZE.” He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that
Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

10) I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
9) I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
7) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
6) Mama Get The Hammer ( There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
5) You Can’t Rollerskate In A Buffalo Herd
4) I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
3) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
2) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

…and # 1 is….

1) You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions
about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the
Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or
corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebe like
Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with
the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found
Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by
sweat alone.”

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which
is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started to discuss the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

Then a third child brought the argument to a close…

“They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention
in class.
She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and
4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and
the Cartoon Network!”