My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having
a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories
for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the
teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to
the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building
materials for his home. She said “…And so the pig went up
to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me sir,
but might I have some of that straw to build my house?”

Then the teacher asked the class “And what do you think that man
said?” and my friend’s son raised his hand and said “I know! I know!
He said, ‘Holy Cow!! A talking pig!’”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A little boy’s puppy was dying and he was distraught in
the extreme. His father tried to console him by saying,
Son, if your puppy dies, we’ll invite all your little
friends over for a funeral. We’ll all light candles, take
your puppy out into the garden, place it into its grave
and sing hymns. Then, we’ll all go in for cookies and ice
cream. The little boy whispered, Let’s kill it!

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out
of the blue, asked her mother, “How old are you?”

The Mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age.
You’ll learn this as you get older.”

The girl then asked, “Mommy. How much do you weigh?”

Her Mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t
talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up”.

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off
another question, “Mommy? Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

The Mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey
that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to
talk about it now.”

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a
friend’s house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her
and her mother’s conversation. The girlfriend says, “All you have
to do is sneak a look at your mother’s drivers license. It’s just
like a report card. It tells you everything.”

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The
little girl starts off with, “Mommy, I know how old you are. You’re
32 years old.”

The Mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart how do you know
that?”

The little girl shrugs and says, “I just know. And I know how much
you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”

“Where did you learn that?”

The little girl says, “I just know. And I know why you and daddy
got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

A lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and
has gone all out…..caterer, band, and a hired clown.
Just before the party starts, two guys show up
looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they
will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to
the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not
shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that
he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make
the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She calls the other guy over and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children
at the party? I would pay him $50!”

“Well…”, he responds, “I dunno….let me ask him………

HEY WILLIE….FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

One day back in our old country side, a very old man walking
to the market had to cross a highway.

On this particular day there was much traffic moving up and
down the road and as the poor guy tried to cross over a car
knocked him down. A big crowd gathered at the scene of the
accident. Soon everyone was shouting out first aid instructions.

Some cried out “pour cold water on his head, he will wake up”.
Another felt that the old Sod only needed a little fresh air,
so he cried out “everyone - move back, let’s have some space here
for some fresh air”.

In the crowd was this crafty boy who on pushing his way to the
front screamed out “Ahaaaaa I know this man”

Everyone turned to face the boy and he said ” I know what you can
do to revive him” and everyone went “whaaat?” The boy “all you
need to do is to give him a bottle of beer and he will wake up”.

Everyone was annoyed by what the little boy had suggested and soon
guys were knocking him around screaming out all kinds of insults.
The crowd got so carried away with this that for a moment it forgot
the old man.

Suddenly, the stricken man stirred and clearing his throat croaked
- “People, please listen to the young man…”

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his
father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in
the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold’s violin
reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.
Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above
the noise, “For Pete’s sake, can’t you play something the dog
doesn’t know?!”

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic
letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom
had been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded
into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands
were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

“Look what I spelled, Mom!” with a proud smile on his
face.

“That’s wonderful!” his mom praised him. “Now go put
them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight.”

The mom happily thought that her son’s Catholic education
was certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: “Mom?
How do you spell ‘zilla’?”

An Irish prisoner dug a tunnel under the prison wall and managed to
escape.
He comes out right in the middle of a school playground where little
children were playing.

Of course, when he emerges from the tunnel he can’t restrain himself
anymore and begins to jump up and down, crying “I’m free, I’m free,
I’m free!

A little girl there looks at him scornfully and says, “That’s nothing.
I’m four.”

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

“May I speak to your parents?”

“They’re busy.”

“Oh. Is anybody else there?”

“The police.”

“Can I speak to them?”

“They’re busy.”

“Oh. Is anybody else there?”

“The firemen.”

“Can I speak to them?”

“They’re busy.”

“So let me get this straight — your parents, the police, and
the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they
doing?”

“Looking for me.”

A little boy and girl go trick or treating.

They knock on the door of this house and the man who
answers it says, “Well, you two are awful cute. Who are
you supposed to be?”

“We’re Jack and Jill” she replied.

The man says, “You can’t be Jack and Jill, you’re black!”

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed
differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and
the man opens the door.

“Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?”

“We’re Hansel and Gretel” says the little boy.

“Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can’t be
Hansel and Gretel because you’re black!”

Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man
hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the
door there stand the two children but this time they
are BUCK NAKED.

“Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!” he
asks.

Chocolate M & M’s, ” said the little girl.
“I’m plain. He got nuts