Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, “I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin’ train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin’ bike leaning up against the damn garage!”

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked…
“So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?”

Johnny replied, “I think I got a fuckin’ dog but I can’t find the son of a bitch.”

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is.” the man replies.
“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.
“No thanks.” the man replies.
“I think you do want to buy a baseball” the little extortionist continues.
“Okay. How much?” the man replies, after considering the position he is in. “Twenty-five dollars.” the little boy replies.
“Twenty-five dollars!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.
“Yes it is.” replies the man.
“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.
“Okay. How much this time!” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“Fifty dollars.” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father says “Hey, son. Go get your
ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”
“I can’t. I sold them” replies the little boy.
“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
“Seventy-five dollars.” the little boy says.
“Seventy-five dollars! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness.” the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

The priest says…”Don’t you start that crap in here now!”

Mother Mary held her daughter, 20 minutes under water.

Not to save herself from troubles, but just to see the funny bubbles!

One day a boy approached his mother with a question.
“Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you’re on top of each other ?”

His mother ,very suprised, replies; “Honey you know how fat daddy is, I’m jumping on top of him to help him lose weight”.

The boy knows that’s not working and tells his mother why…

“Mom thats not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!”

Four men are golfing one day. The First man steps up to tee and states boastfully “My Son is so rich that he bought his lover a house”.

The second man steps up to tee and says, “Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car”.

The third man steps up and says, “My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami.”

Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, “Well, my son isn’t rich and self made like yours and he’s gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami.

I will not waste chalk… I will not skateboard in the halls… I will not burp in class… I will not draw naked ladies in class… I did not see Elvis… I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes’… Garlic gum is not funny… They are laughing at me, not with me… I will not yell ‘fire’ in a crowded classroom… I will not encourage others to fly… I will not fake my way through life… Tar is not a plaything… I will not Xerox my butt… I will not trade pants with others… I will not do that thing with my tongue… I will not drive the principal’s car… I will not pledge allegiance to Bart… I will not sell school property… I will not instigate revolution…

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, “Well, you just ask Mom. She’ll tell you it’s much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!”

One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said “cooking”.

Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”. He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.

Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says…
“Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? “Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.”(Judy,

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.”(Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? “On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”(Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? “You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.”(Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? “It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them”(Lynette, 9)

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.”(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”(Jan, 9)

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”(Harlen,

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”(Roger, 9) “If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.”(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE “If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”(Jeanne,

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”(Gary, 7)

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”(Dave,

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE “I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘Sesame Street’ is on television.”(Anita,6)

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby,

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER “One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava,

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.”(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? “Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.”(John, 9)

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.”(Dave

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are… on fire.” (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU” “The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.”(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS “You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.”(Doug, 7)

“It might help to watch soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? “It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it.”(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE “Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7) “Don’t forget your wife’s name. That will mess up the love.” (Roger,

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”(Randy,

How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?

“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.”
Kally, age 9

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Allan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Kirsten, age 10

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!”
Cam, age 10

“No age is good to get married at…. You got to be a fool to get married!”
Freddie, age 6

How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?

“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”
Eddie, age 6

“You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?

“Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have somethingto say if you listen long enough.”
Lynnette, age 8

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Martin, age 10

What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9

When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

“When they’re rich!”
Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them…. It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

“I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing … I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out!”
Theodore, age 8

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!”
Anita, age 9

“Single is better … for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers… Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.”
Kirsten, age 10

What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?

“The first thing I’d say to them is: ‘Listen up, youngins … I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?’”
Craig, age 9

What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?

“A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.”
Marlon, age 10

How to Make a Marriage Work

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!”
Ricky, age 7

“If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes…. Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few
diamonds on it.”
Lori, age 8

Getting Married for a Second Time

“Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one.”
Angie L., age 10

How Would the World Be Different if People Didn’t Get Married?

“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!”
Roberta, age 7