Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class:

It is always darkest…Just before you flunk a test.

There is nothing new…under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with…a private jet.

A committee of three…gets things done when they are not fighting.

If you can’t stand the heat…try Antarctica.

Better late than…absent.

A rolling stone…may dent the floor.

If at first you don’t succeed…live with it.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry…and then blow your nose.

A bird in the hand is….better than a woodpecker on your head.

Early to bed, early to rise…and you will get the best cereal.

Two head…are pretty scary.

It is better to light a candle than…to light a bomb.

A miss is as good as…a mister.

A penny saved…is not a lot.

Don’t burn you bridges…or you’ll fall in the lake.

Haste makes…sweat

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then
began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

What has four legs and flies? - Two pairs of trousers

What do you get when you have a cow and a duck? - Milk and quackers.

What kind of tool does a baby bird need to help it get out of its
eggshell? - A hatch-it

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? - A stick!

What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog? - Hop in!

What does a christmas tree stand for? - Because it would take to
much room lying down.

Why was the toad found dead? - Because it croaked.

Why don’t lobsters share? They’re shellfish.

What did the left eye say to the right eye - “Between you and me,
something smells”.

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? - Because it ran
out of juice!

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? - Snowballs.

WhatIs black and white and red all over? - A newspaper.

What did the fish say when he slammed into a wall - Dam.

What do you call two packets of crisps walking down the road? - Walkers.

Why do bees fly through the air with their legs crossed? - They’re
looking for a BP station.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball? - He had no body to go with.

Doctor I feel like a snooker ball. - Well Get to the back of the cue.

Why don’t polar bears eat penguins? - They cannot get the silver
paper off.

What do you call a person who no longer likes tractors? - An
extractor fan.

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla “How do you spell ‘dumb’?”

Darla says “d-u-m-b, dumb”.
The teacher says, “very good, now use it in a sentence.”
She says “Buckwheat is dumb”

Now spell “stupid”. Darla says “s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid”.
The teacher says,”very good, now use it in a sentence.”
Darla says “Buckwheat is stupid.”

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says “Buckwheat, spell dictate.”

Buckwheat stands and says “d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate”.
The teacher says, “very good, now use it in a sentence.”

“I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!”

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we’re leaving.”

The mother went into the living room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.”

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!”

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.”

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
“Spit ‘em out, they’re assholes!”

Children’s worst book titles!

You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly! Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Animals of North America-Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes! All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer, They Say God Did It Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Bi-Curious George Daddy Drinks Because You Cry You Are Different and That’s Bad Dad’s New Wife Gerald Pop! Goes The Hamster-And Other Great Microwave Games Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad Babar Meets the Taxidermist Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a “Beep..Beep..Beep” and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man’s beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said “Look out dad she’s backing up!”

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmatic.
“Why” asks his father?
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?” and I said “6″
“But thats right!”
“Then she asked me ‘how much is 2×3?”
“Whats the fucking difference?”
“Thats what I said!”

BANNED CHILDREN’S BOOKS

Dad’s New Wife Timothy
Pop! Goes the Hamster…and Other Great Microwave Games
How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
The Complete Set Of “Mother Got Goosed” Nursery Rhymes
Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom’s Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear
When is Later?
The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor
Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky
Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep
How Far is Not Far?
Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story
The Boy Who Cried “Fire!”
Things Rat Poison Looks Like
Why Uncle Bud Falls Down
Two Fingers in the Dike
Back To School! A Munitions Primer
Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice
Things That Are Really Sharp
How Dopey Got His Name
Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships