Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the
opposing lawyers.

“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you,
with a bribe.”

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Gayle,
gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Nicole, gave me $10,000.”

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to Gayle. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000,
and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”

There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day
God notices that the devil’s side is in pretty bad shape.

So God hollers over the fence, “Hey Satan, why don’t you fix up your
side of the fence?”

Satan hollers back, “Why don’t you mind your own business?”

So God says, “I’ll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don’t!”

The devil says, “Ha! Where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?”

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well, have they got a verdict
yet?”

The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? They’re still doing
nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?â€? “Phew, that one’s easy,â€? says the teacher, “The Titanic.â€? “ Alright,â€? said St.Peter, “you may pass.â€?

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?â€? The thief replied, “That’s a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.â€? And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.�

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?”

The other tiger replied, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!� He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.�
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?�
“No, I’m an asshole.�

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” says the attorney, “I’m by the aisle. I’ll get it for you.”

While he’s gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney’s shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he’s gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

“How long must this go on?” he asks the physicians. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, ””What is 2+2?”” The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ””4.””

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ””4.0””

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ””What do you want it to be?””

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers
what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The
rabbit says, “You feel me first.” The snake says okay, and he starts
feeling the rabbit. He says, “Well, you have fur all over, and a little
cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet…” The rabbit says,
“I know! I’m a rabbit! Yippee!” Then the rabbit feels the snake. He
says, “Okay, you’re long and thin, and slimy all over, and there’s a
little forked tongue…” The snake says, “Oh no, I’m a lawyer.”