1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly
handshake from a proctologist.

2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing
to lose.

3. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room
for the mouse.

4. Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

5. Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the
privilege.

6. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

7. Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him … get a
good lawyer …keep his house

A world famous lawyer was duck hunting in Montana. Recently,
he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a
duck he had shot. A farmer pulled up in his pickup truck,
jumped out and asked the lawyer what he was doing on his
property.

“Getting a duck that I just shot,” he replied.

“That duck is on my side of the fence, so it is now mine,”
replied the farmer.

The lawyer asked the farmer if he recognized who he was
talking to.

“No,” replied the farmer, “and I don’t care.”

“I am Johnny Cochran, the brilliant manipulating lawyer
from the infamous OJ case,” came the reply. “I am the
lawyer that never loses a case and I’m rich because I
got paid before the Goldmans and the Browns.”

“If you don’t let me get that duck, I can sue you for your
farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I’ll leave
you penniless on the street, because I’m going to play the
race card again.”

“Well,” said the farmer, “In Montana, the law we go by is
the ‘Three Kicks’ law.”

“Never heard of it,” said Cochran.

The farmer said, “I get to kick you 3 times and if you
make it back to your feet, and are able to kick me back
3 times, the duck is yours.”

Johnny Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough
neighbourhood and figured he could take this old farmer.
“Fair enough”, he said.

So the farmer kicked the lawyer violently in the groin.
As he was doubled over, the farmer kicked him in the face.
And when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.

After several moments, Cochran slowly got back to his feet.
“All right, now it’s my turn,” said Cochran.

“Aw, forget it,” said the farmer. “You can have the duck.”

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights
broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the
offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a
note stuck under the windshield wiper.
“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think
I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m
not.”

Jack, a lawyer, lies dying with his partner of 40 years by his
bedside. “Mike, I’ve got to confess. I’ve been sleeping with
your wife for 30 years and I’m the father of your daughter.
On top of that, I’ve been stealing from the firm for a
decade.”

“Relax,” says Mike, “and don’t think another thing about it.
I’m the one who put arsenic in your martini.”

After he is robbed, a man decides that he needs a really
ferocious dog. He goes to a pet store and tells the clerk
that he wants the meanest dog they have.

The clerk at the pet store tells him, “l have the perfect
dog for you,” and he shows him a dog that’s just sitting
there licking his butt.

The man says to the clerk, “This doesn’t look like a very
mean dog. Do you have any others?”

The clerk responds, “This is the meanest dog l have. He just
got done eating a lawyer and he’s trying to get the taste
out of his mouth.”

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the
waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend says,
“My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my
sneakers, please?”

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his
friend’s daughters, both very good looking.

Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says,
“Hello ladies, your father sent me up here to have sex
with you?”

They stare at him and say, “That can’t be!”

He replies, “OK, let’s check.”

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, “Both of them?”

“Yes, both of them!”

One good thing about Alzheimer’s is, you get to meet new people
every day.

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN…Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn
a lot today.

A thing not worth doing, isn’t worth doing well.

HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH.

Time is just nature’s way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires

I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand
times the memory.

The Meek shall inherit the earth…after we’re through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Two can live as cheaply as one… for half as long.

HAM AND EGGS: A day’s work for a chicken, lifetime commitment for
a pig.

Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.

THE BUCK DOESN’T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE, so keep on going.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

WELCOME TO UTAH…Set your watch back 20 years.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I was only looking at your name tag, honest!

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

JESUS IS COMING! Look busy.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?

Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the
opposing lawyers.

“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you,
with a bribe.”

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Gayle,
gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Nicole, gave me $10,000.”

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to Gayle. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000,
and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”

There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day
God notices that the devil’s side is in pretty bad shape.

So God hollers over the fence, “Hey Satan, why don’t you fix up your
side of the fence?”

Satan hollers back, “Why don’t you mind your own business?”

So God says, “I’ll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don’t!”

The devil says, “Ha! Where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?”

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well, have they got a verdict
yet?”

The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? They’re still doing
nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”