A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough.

The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you - what’s with the pocket business?”

The man replied, “I have my lawyer’s picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I’ve had enough.”

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,Civil Engineers build targets.

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

“Did you actually see the accident?” he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, “Yes, sir.”

“How far away were you when the accident happened?”

“I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter抯 inches away from the point of collision.”

“Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?” the lawyer asked, sarcastically, “Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?”

The witness was unphased. “Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance.”

昚our lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
昗hen the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
昚our lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
昚our lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
旳 prison guard is shaving your head.

Attorney: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Attorney: Were you alone or by yourself?

Attorney: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Attorney: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What’s his first name?
A. I can’t remember.
Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name!

“How many can you afford?”
It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.
Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting “Objection!”
Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw us.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said…
‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”