|A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, “I never know how to handle the situation when I’m asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?” The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor

|At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Lawyers do it with appeal.Lawyers do it confidentially.Lawyers do it on a trial basis.Lawyers do it until justice prevails.Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.The Godfather asked the accountant, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”The accountant didn’t answer.The Godfather asked again, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”The attorney interrupted, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”The Godfather said, “Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.”The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.The accountant signed back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, “Ask him again where the @#!* money is!”The attorney signed to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”The accountant signed back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”The Godfather asked, “Well, what did he say?”The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, “He said that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his lawyer buddies. As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it right off.The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying “Are you alright, are you alright?”

The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. “What the hell do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus…Ya know I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!”

Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, “Calm down! You lawyers are so materialistic it’s disgusting! Don’t you know, when that truck ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?”

The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said “Oh, God, . . . my ROLEX!”

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What’s the difference between a stork and an attorney?
One can stick its bill up its ass, the other one should.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.” So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why yes I am!”, so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered,”Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”