Little David comes home from first grade and tell his father that
the class learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since
Valentine’s day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish, “he asks,”
will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

David’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” David says. “Why Osama Bin Laden,” his father asks
in shock. “Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American
Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might
start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving
people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d
love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to
tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone
anymore.”

His father’s heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound
pride.
“David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.” “I know,”

David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him.”

Scott took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like
to do first, Mary?” asked Scott.
“I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117
and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. “I want to get
weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they
had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost
his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go
next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, Scott
figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her
off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?”
Mary responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what
to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always
work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream
sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time,
as the boy’s nervousness builds.

He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?” She says “No,” and the
silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his
father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He
asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there
is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice
and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother,
would he like spinach?”

hree old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement
home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness
of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked,”I can’t hear a word your’re saying,
but I remember the guy your’re talking about.”

12. Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!

11. Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.

10. Feel the force!

9. Foreplay, cuddling. A Jedi craves not these things.

8. Down here I am. Find a ladder I must!

7. Do me or do me not, there is no try.

6. Early must I rise. Leave now you must!

5. You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz’s hand
up my ass.

4. Happens to every guy sometimes this does.

3. When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?

2. Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!

1. Who’s your Jedi Master? Who’s your Jedi Master?

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather
stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for
an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following
their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker
towards his wife’s cup and said, “Sugar, sugar?” Joe thought this
was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out
some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, “Honey, honey?”
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his
young wife’s eyes and said, “Ham, pig?”

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady said. ‘My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.’

‘I’m not surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee
and the other is in your porridge.’

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT…
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is screwing!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.

2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men.”

10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course.

Signed:_____________________________
Date:________________

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of
money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with
a person whom you don’t especially like in the present
and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals
of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to
communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty
looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily
due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that
a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance
who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her
totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which
is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities
that initially attract two people to each other turn
into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man’s term for a woman who wants to
do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible
to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a
particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny,
but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears
to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive
your date is.

1. Put bifocals on. Double check that you’re with
the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes … in case
you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn ‘em ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you
begin … just in case!

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t
remember what to scream out at the end.