The girl broom tells the boy broom, “I’m going to have your
little whisk broom.”
The boy broom replies, “That’s impossible! We’ve never even
swept together.”

The teacher wrote
“Like I ain’t had no fun in months” on the board and then she said,
“Timmy, how should I correct that?”
Timmy replied, “Maybe you should get a new boyfriend?”

CORRECT USAGE

Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel where
the Mother Superior was waiting to perform the ceremony to
marry them to God.

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, 4 Chassidic Jews with
yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in
the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, “I am honored that you would
want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask
you why you came?”

One of the Jews replied, “We’re from the groom’s side.”

The girl asked her lover, “Darling, if we get engaged will you give
me a ring?”

“Sure, ” replied her lover “What’s your phone number?”

A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong,
but not enough to back down without an argument.

So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was
clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it
had caused.

So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he’d buy her a gift.

“Any thing at all, my love”, the guy said, overcome with remorse.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she replied, “You really shouldn’t do this you
know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that
I don’t need.”

The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a
prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, “That’s no problem.
How many do you want?”

The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4
pieces.”

The doctor said, “That won’t do you any good.”

The elderly gentleman said, “That’s alright. I don’t need them
for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to
stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

Mr. Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic
plans for his first night home. He said them to his wife, who
promptly said, “Oh, I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve got to do all of
this laundry. Another time, please.”

The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, “Oh my, I
would like to dear, but it wouldn’t be any good. I’ve got this
terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.”

By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.

“How about it?” he said urgently.

Mrs. Jones snapped back, “This is the third night in a row you’ve
asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?”

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make
the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get
points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex(-1)

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)

In the snow (+8)

But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night(0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with a six iron (+10)

It’s her pet (-10)

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a college drinking buddy (-2)

Named Tiffany (-4)

Tiffany is a dancer (-6)

Tiffany has implants (-80)

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)

And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal (-5)

The pal is happily married (-4)

Or frighteningly single (-7)

And he drives a Mustang (-10)

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It’s called DeathCop 3 (-3)

Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid
of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one, too.” (-8000)

The Big Question:

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-1)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, “Where?” (-35)

Any other response (-20)

Communication: (When she wants to talk about a problem:)

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned
expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at
the TV (+1000)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-2000)

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The
plane crashed and all three died. They all noticed God up in the
clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into
the clouds. God wanted to know three things:
Who are you?
What did you do?
What did people think of you?

The first coach said, “I’m Denny Crum. I was second
best coach in the nation. I won two national championships & over 20
games a year. The people of Kentucky think I’m great.” God said,
Fine Denny, stand on my right side.

The next person said, “I’m Rick Pitino. I was third best coach in the
nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned
the program around to a fairly respectable one. The people of
Kentucky think I’m great.” God said, fine Rick, stand on my left
side.

The third person stood before God and said, “I’m Bobby Knight & I have
won three national championships, 2 NIT championships, the Pan Am
Games, the Olympics, 9 Big Ten championships, and I was the youngest
coach ever to win 600 games, and the people of Indiana think you are
sitting in my chair.”

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being
out together on a date. When they reach the front door he
leans up against the house with one hand and says to her,
“How about a blowjob?”

“What! Are you crazy!”

“Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.

“No! Someone might see us…”

“It’s just a small blowjob,” he insists, “and I know you’ll
like it.”

“No! I said no!”

“Baby… don’t be like that.”

Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in
her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes.
She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you blow him,
I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself…
but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off
the intercom.”