Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth
and sophisticated.”

The second said, “Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful.”

The third said, “Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand
start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”

The teenaged girl discovered she was pregnant. She moaned
to a friend, “I knew we should have just gone to the movies.”

The friend asked, “Well…why didn’t you?”

“We couldn’t,” she replied. “The only good ones playing were
all R-rated, and we weren’t allowed in.”

These awards are given to hybrid texts, the more fanciful
the better. This year’s short list includes:

“Green Eggs and Hamlet”

Would you kill him in his bed?

Thrust a dagger through his head?

I would not, could not, kill the King.

I could not do that evil thing.

I would not wed this girl, you see.

Now get her to a nunnery.

In “Catch 22 in the Rye” Holden Caulfield learns that if
you’re insane, you’ll probably flunk out of prep school,
but if you’re flunking out of prep school you’re probably
not insane.

“The Remains of the Day of the Jackal” is best left unexplained.

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided
to stop and sit at a Palm Reader’s table.

Said the mysterious old woman, “For fifteen dollars, I can read
your love line and tell your romantic future.”

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open
palm and said, “I can see that you have no girlfriend.”

“That’s true,” said Paul.

“Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Paul shamefully admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell
all of this from the ‘love line’ on my palm ?”

“Love line? No, from the calluses.”

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies together
as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, “Quick!
My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!”
she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes
under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the
bedroom door. “What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive
you.” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with
you in two shakes.”

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a
man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid
of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But..but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said,
“The little bastards!”

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the
major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited
about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last
minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this
dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach
with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the
door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting
the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the
water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to
himself “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and
talk to me.” He went back to gathering the snails. All of a
sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right
over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They
were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started
messing around. It got so hot and heavy, than he was exhausted
afterwards and passed out there. At seven o’clock the next morning
he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his
bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way
to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that
when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of
snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where
he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps,
then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: “Come on
guys, we’re almost there!”

THE MAN’S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
————————————————————-
We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re…so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m having my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not
going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off you shoes and find a good game
on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him unti
he goes to sleep

I’m not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think it’s important

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I
need to look at a few new purses, and those green sheets would look
great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE WOMEN’S GUIDE TO MEN’S ENGLISH
——————————————————————-

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex
with you

Can I take you to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out
of this

What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let’s have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that
much different!

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys

I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin’ dress and
let’s go home!

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play
begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to
avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the owner is satisfied, and then play is complete. Failure
to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole
immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take
time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to
well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being
played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players
equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play
at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when playing a new course for the 1st
time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else is playing what they considered a private
course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission
before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared
to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting,
to play the same hole several times in one match.

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor
badmouth me behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK
about it if thou knowest what’s good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy
bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls
from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our
friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy
neighbor’s house.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Squeeze, nor son or
daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.

1. Bring in a 7 layer-cake when they are on a strict diet, then eat a
piece in front of them, slowly.
2. Have an affair with their best friend . . . and make sure they
know about it.
3. Put them in a dozen porn-product mailing lists.
4. Remove one button from every item of clothing they own.
5. Call their employer and pretend to be from a collection agency.
6. Order them subscriptions to Gay Magazines and have them delivered
to their place of employment.
7. Buy them a copy of Human Sexual Inadequacy by Masters and Johnson.
8. Empty the shampoo bottle and fill it with vegetable oil.
9. Give them a pregnant cat as a farewell gift.
10. Call and have their Telephone and Electricty disconnected.
11. Send them presents Cash on Delivery.
12. Have a male friend call at their office to leave a message to
contact Sergeant Vasquz of the 12th Precienct vice squad immediatly.
13. Send their Mother a package of Whips and Handcuffs along with a
note that your returning items they left behind.
14. Snip a few threads in any of their favorite sweaters so they will
unravel.
15. Pull the plug on their Frige.
16. Join 10 or more Book or Record clubs on their behalf
17. Casually remark that you’ve just been diagnosed as having a new,
rare strain of VD.
18. (This is the worst) Marry them.