The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.”Steve,” his wife said, while reading the newspaper, “it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.”To which the husband replies, “Sorry to hear that, dear. I’m sure you’ll miss your mother being gone.”
A man inserted an ‘ad’ on Yahoo….: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred and eleven E-mails. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
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Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.
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The last fight my wife and I had was my fault.
My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!” Then I woke up in the hospital.
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In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
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My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a police dog to keep us apart.
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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
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Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Father: That happens in every country, son.
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The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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First man (proudly): “My wife’s an angel”
Second man: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
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Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the lawyer’s name.
One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, “That’s the first time I’ve ever had a lawyer buy the balls.”
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A pretty woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, “Why back in so early? What’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee.” “Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole,” she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, “Apparently your stance is still too wide.”
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
What Every woman Expects:
1. Forever handsome, caring, and romantic.
2. The virility of an 18 year old.
3. Always remembers special dates – Birthday’s, Anniversary’s.
4. To dine out more than once a year.
5. Send flowers for no reason.
6. Favorite expression: “Honey, those few extra pounds means there’s just that much more to love.
7. A cuddle in the middle of the night.
8. A wizard in the kitchen, at doing the laundry, cleaning the house, and in the Stock Market.
9. An impromptu I Love You.”
What She Gets:
1. He hugs his pillow more than you.
2. His idea of dining out is a hamburger and fries.
3. He has to comb his hair from the back, forward, to hide the bald spot.
4. He hasn’t said those 3 words in so long, you have to play “Charades in order to hear them.
5. He can’t remember what the words “Vacation Together” mean.
6. He lets you know that he may need to put Heavy Duty Shocks on the car, only on your side.
7. He says “I was going to send you flowers, but . . .
(A) the ones I wanted were out of season”.
(B) they were all out of roses”.
(C) I couldn’t find a florist”.
8. He carries a picture of his mother in his wallet.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?” she asks.
The husband shrugs. “It worked for your ass, didn’t it?”