An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. ”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten.”

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

The farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk ofalcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. “I assume,” shebarked, “there is a very good reason for you to come drifting inat six o’clock in the morning?”"There is!” he replied, “Breakfast.”

Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He’d waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, “Why on Earth are you takingso long to make this shot?”"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one,” said Bob.”Good Lord,” said David, “you haven’t got a chance of hitting her from here.”

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife whenhe found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shother instead of her lover, he replied,”Ah, m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than adifferent man every week?”

Science alertScientists have just discovered something that cando the work of five men: a woman.

A man calls his family doctor:man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.doctor: Ok, bring her in and I’ll try to help.man: Fine, but whatever you do, don’t cure her.

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had movedinto the house next door. He was also quick to noticethat the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usuallyin a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair ofbreasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as muchas possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he couldstand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor’shouse, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man,opened the door.”Excuse me”, our man stammered, “but I couldn’t help noticing howbeautiful your wife is.”"Yeah? So?” his hulking neighbor replied.”Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breastsare. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss thosebreasts.”The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appearsand stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for afew moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.”OK,” the husband says gruffly, “for ten thousand dollars you can kissmy wife’s tits.”At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desirehang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rubhis face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes,until the husband gets annoyed. “Well, come on already, kiss ‘em!” hegrowls.”I can’t” replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.”Why not?” demands the husband, getting really angry now.”I don’t have ten thousand dollars.”

|The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho MarxThe marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. –Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. — S. T. ColeridgeThe only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. — James Holt McGavranTo keep your marriage brimmingWith love in the marriage cup,Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,Whenever you’re right, shut up. — Nash