“Mary,” asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, “what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?”

“Another woman with MY husband?” Mary thought it over.

“Let’s see; I’d break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from.”

A woman goes to Ikea and buys a huge flat pack wardrobe. Once delivered she goes about the business of assembling it and she does a pretty good job she thinks until a train rumbles past and the wardrobe falls to bits. Undaunted she re-assessess the instructions and goes through them very carefully and is perfectly pleased with the result until another train rumbles by and the wardrobe collapses again. Seething by this time she phones Ikea who say that’s just not possible but they’ll send a chap round to have a look.

He assembles it and just as he begins to smirk at the perfect piece of work he has done, a train goes by and it all collapses again. “See?” says the woman. “Hmm, something’s not right” he replies and grimly re-assembles it again just in time for another train to pass by resulting in one pile of wood again. He rebuilds it and says,”this time, I’ll go inside it, maybe something will come to light from the inside.” and so he steps in.

Just at that the woman’s husband appears and sees the cupboard. Before his wife can explain he praises her for a good job and opens it

The embarrassed Ikea man says to the look of astonishment and anger on the husband’s face, “Er, would you believe I am sitting here waiting for a train?”

A man goes into wish his son goodnight but finds he is fast asleep already, but having a nightmare. He gently wakes the boy up and asks him what his nightmare was.

“Oh daddy, I dreamt Aunt Elsie died!” he replies terrified. Daddy assures him Auntie Elsie is find and the boy goes back to sleep

Next day they learn that Auntie Elsie died.

A month later much the same thing happens only the little boy tells his daddy that he dreamt grandma had died. Daddy says grandma is fine fit and healthy and the little boy goes back to sleep.

Next day grandma dies.

Another month goes by and our little chap has another nightmare. Daddy wakes him up and the little boy screams “I dreamt daddy died!”

His father is terrified and the whole of the next day he is in a sweat. He doesn’t go to work in case his car crashes, he refuses to eat anything in case he cuts himself with a knife, or gets food poisoning. He just sits in the chair, won’t turn on the TV in case it blows up. All day he long he remains motionless except for the sweat trickling down his face. His wife comes home from her work and he says

“Oh my dear what a day I have had!”

She says “You think you’re having a bad day? I just heard the milkman dropped dead.”