A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation…

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.” She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy.

They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.

Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night.”

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, “What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot.”

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, “Wow, he’s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button…. ”

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself “Poor guy, she’s pretty but teachers are just too frigid. ”

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

It’s 6:00 AM. The phone rings, and it’s the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse’s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, “What happened sir? You married a nurse.”

The man sourly replies, “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, “You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary.” Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

At 6:30 AM, the telephone operator’s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks, “What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices.”

The man sourly replies, “Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, “Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.”

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher’s husband will be calling any minute.

Finally, at 4:30 p.m, the teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Joe can’t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked, “What happened to you? Did you have a fight?”

The man smiles and happily replies, “No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, “We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.”

The scene - Husband and wife in bed.

The story - Husband rolls over to wife and taps her in the shoulder.

Wife says “Not tonight sweetheart I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning”.

Five minutes elapses - Husband rolls over again and taps wife on the shoulder and says “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife’s golf ball…..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey this looks like yours!”

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters.

The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?!”

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not?” giggles the woman.

“Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket!”

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman.

A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb. 8oz. baby boy.

The old man replied, “This old motor is still a’ running.”

Next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb. 5oz. baby girl.

The old man replied, “This old motor is still a’ running.”

The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb. 9oz. baby boy.

The old man replied again, “This old motor is still a’ running.”

And the doctor said, “Yeah, but you better get your oil changed because this one is black.”

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife’s tits and says, “If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.”

He grabs her butt and says, “If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”

The wife grabs the farmer’s dick and says, “And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother.”