Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

A big city woman married a southern hick and brought him to
the city for the first time. When they first arrived, he got
them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked
over in the corner and saw a discarded condom. “Oh yuck!”
she exclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband.

He craned his neck to see what it was. Then he looked at her
and asked, “What is it?”

“Why, it’s a disgusting used sheepskin condom!” she replied.
“Don’t they use them in the South?”

“Yeah,” he said, “but we don’t skin ‘em first!”

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how
good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to
have her.

He asked God, “Why did you make her so kind hearted?”

The Lord responded, “So you could love her, my son.”

“Why did you make her so good looking?”

“So you could love her, my son.”

“Why did you make her such a good cook?”

“So you could love her, my son.”

The man thought about this. Then he said, “I don’t mean to
seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?”

“So she could love you, my son.”

Marriage ring -wedding ring —suffering

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the *y* becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When
a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

A husband said to his wife, *No, I don*t hate your relatives.
In fact, I love your mother-in-law better than mine.*

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever
he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man
thinks for a moment and then says, *OK, give me a million dollars
and beat me half to death.*

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he*ll
be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the
microwave.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get
your laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, *Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?* And the father replied, *I don*t know, son, I*m
still paying for it.*

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind: marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife*s birthday: forget
it once.

Cosmetics: A woman*s means for keeping a man from reading between
the lines

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made
a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled *It really
works!*

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he
came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him,
he said, *You know what? You have been with me all through the
bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business
fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When
we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing,
you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you
bring me bad luck!*

Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, *Pack your
bags, I*ve won the lottery!* The wife excitedly asks, *Should I
pack clothes for cold or warm weather?* He says, *Pack*em all,
you*re leaving!*

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before
you finish…

When a man is single, he*s incomplete. When he*s married, he*s
finished.

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with
a warm smile, “I gladdened seven hearts today.”

“Seven hearts?” asks the friend. “How did you do that?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, “I performed three
marriages.”

The friend looks at him quizically. “Seven?” he asks. “I
could understand six, but…”

“What do you think” says the rabbi, “that I do this for free?”

~~~ 30 Minutes to a Clean House ~~~

Or, “15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping

that your mother never told you.”

Secret Tip 1: DOOR LOCKS

If a room clearly can’t be whipped into shape in 30 days, much
less 30 minutes, employ the “Locked Door Method” of cleaning.
Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that you accidentally
locked the door and, gosh darn it, you can’t find the key. Of
course, the locksmith can’t possibly come until tomorrow. CAUTION:
It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
(Time: 2 seconds)

Secret Tip 2: DUCT TAPE

No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy
for plumbing repairs, but it’s a great way to hem drapes, table-
cloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss!
(Time: 3 minutes)

Secret Tip 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think
again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage
space, which means they’re a great place to shove dirty dishes,
dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight
when company’s coming.
(Time: 2 minutes)

Secret Tip 4: CLOTHES DRYER Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger!
CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
(Time: 2.5 minutes)

Secret Tip 5: WASHING MACHINE & FREEZER

Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger!!!
(Time: 3 minutes)

Secret Tip 6: DUST RUFFLES

No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe
dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help
coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a
dust ruffle’s highest and best use is to hide whatever you’ve
managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
(Time: 4 minutes)

Secret Tip 7: DUSTING

The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: “Never dust under
what you can dust around.”
(Time: 3 minutes)

Secret Tip 8: DISHES

Don’t use them! Two words: Paper. Plastic. (Just kidding!)
(Time: 1 minute, if you do.)

Secret Tip 9: CLOTHES WASHING

This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When
this teen’s mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the
teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two
…if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.
CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don’t
care if they get in a car wreck.
(Time: 3 seconds)

Secret Tip 10: IRONING

If an article of clothing doesn’t require a full press and your hair
does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair,
use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes! Yes,
it really does work, …or so I’m told, by other disciples of the
30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
(Time: 5 minutes (Includes curling your hair.))

Secret Tip 11: VACUUMING

Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people
look. Don’t bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too
long and no one looks there anyway.
(Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only)

Secret Tip 12: LIGHTING

The key here is low, low, and lower! It’s not only romantic, but
bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
(Time: 10 seconds)

Secret Tip 13: BED MAKING

Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are
made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of minutes over the course
of a lifetime.
(Time: 0)

Secret Tip 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, SINKS

Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
(Time: 1 minute)

Secret Tip 15: GUESTS

If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don’t even think
about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.
(Time: 0)

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went
about 20′ behind her and asked “Can you hear me sweetheart”?.
No reply.

Moved to 10′ and inquired again. No reply.

5′ and not a word.

A few inches behind ear, he asked “Can you hear me now honey”?

His wife said “For the fourth time, yes.”

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for
Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman
behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his
wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and
she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have
qualified for disability, too.”

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go
Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine
is in New York.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I
suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric
bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no
place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me,
“In the lake.”

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t
lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud
fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for
the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”