If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press “1″ repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press “2″.

If you have multiple personalities, please press “3″, “4″, “5″, and “6″.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press.

No one will answer.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

“A circumcision,” the first kid answers.

“Whoa!” the second kid says. “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year.”

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

She got up, unplugged the TV, and then threw out my beer. She can be such a bitch sometimes.

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. “What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked. “Well, I, uh,” she stammered. “I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.””I see,” he said. “I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.””That’s not bad,” she replied. “How much for all night?”

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, “Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”
“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives.

“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the doctor.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patients daughter was unsatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”

“Standard pricing practice,” said the doctor. “Womens brains have to be marked down because they”ve actually been used.”

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ”Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”

”Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives.

”For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the doctor.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, ”Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”

”Standard pricing practice,” said the doctor. ”Women’s brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used.”