Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

Trish: Really? What color?

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, afterthe doctor examined him, he told the man he hadsome bad news… he had cancer and alzheimers.The man replied, ” Well, at least I don’t havecancer”

A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.” “What is HAGS” the man asks. “It’s herpes, AIDS,gonorrhea, and syphilis” says the doctor. “Oh my God” says the man. “What are you going to do?”"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.” “Is that going to help me” says the man. “No” says the doctor. “But it’s the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door”

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. “Oh, it was very disappointing,”he said. “I didn’t kill a thing. I’d have been better off staying here in the hospital.”

There were two old people that are married and have been for fifty years. One day they went to a doctor because they recently had been forgeting things and they were afraid that they would leave the stove on. The doctor said, “There is no way medically, but you could always write notes to help you remember things.”
That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing. She replied, “I was just going to make some ice cream.” The husband insisted that he would make it. As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, “WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!” “Okay dear,” he replied. “And sprinkles too!” “Okay dear.”
From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs. The wife said “Where’s the toast?”

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, “A basketball coach?”