While undressing for bed one night, ol’ Bill notices something
like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, “I can’t
let Hillary see this!”, and makes a point of getting to his doctor
at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.

“Doc,” he says, “I’ve got this red ring around my, you know. What
is it, and how do I get rid of it?”

The doctor says, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what it is, but take
these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not,
come back and we’ll try something else.”

Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring
is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells
him the pills didn’t help. So the doctor prescribes another medication,
capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them
for a week, and come back if it’s not improved.

Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn the red ring is still
there. So he goes back to his doctor and asks, “What next?” The
doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day
for a week, and let me know.

Bill goes back in a week and says, “Great news, doc! The rash is gone!
That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?” The doctor replied,
“Lipstick remover”.

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away to.
His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet,
and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably
distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to
the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before
they went.

When they got to the doctor’s office, the man lifted his wife’s
coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, “Doctor, have
you ever seen anything like this before?”

“Well, yes,” the doctor replied, “but never framed.”

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts
never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted
at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t
know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me
next week.”

The next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t
know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts…although still
silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses,
let’s work on your hearing.”

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined.
On her chest she has a huge red “H.”

The doctor asks, “How did you get that red ‘H’ on your chest?”

She replies, “My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he’s so proud of his
school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we’re making
love.”

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes
off her shirt and has a huge blue “Y” on her chest. The doctor asks,
“How did you get that blue ‘Y’ on your chest?”

The girl replies, “My boyfriend goes to Yale and he’s so proud of his
school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we’re making
love.”

The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off
her shirt and she has a huge green “M” on her chest. The doctor asks,
“Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?” and the girl replies,
“No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

A young man walks into a drug store and asks the cashier for some
condoms. The cashier says “Got a good one?”

“Yup, hot date tonight! This ones pretty much in the bag she’s sexy
and givin’ it up tonight!” the man replies.

A little while later the man goes to his girlfriends house and they
sit down to eat dinner with her parents. They ask him to say grace.
So he starts saying grace quickly and nervously. He prays and prays
and prays some more.

The girl looks over to the young man and says to him “I didn’t know
that you were so religious!”

The young man says “I didn’t know your father worked at a drugstore!”

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation…

Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We’ll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can’t,
We can’t, we mustn’t, and we shan’t,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I’m sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship’s on fire!

Picard: The ship’s on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me.

Worf: Not me.

Picard: Computer, how long til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems…

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You’ve saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You’ve saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet —

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite…

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand — we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi: There’s sabotage among the wires
And that’s what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they’ve been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven’t even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, “Help us, clothe us, feed us!”
I can’t just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt — MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we’ll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He’s very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun –
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw — quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let’s get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go…?

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.

Picard: Then make it so!

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is
Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on…
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced
today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

James went to the Doctors, “I just hope it isn’t Alzheimer’s,”
he confessed. “Maybe there is some kind of memory medicine
you can give me. See, I’m getting terribly forgetful,
I lose track of time, where I’m going or what I am supposed
to do when I get there. Can you help me Doctor? What should
I do?

“Pay me in advance,” the doctor promptly stated

A woman went to doctor’s office.
She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in
the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the
hall.

An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she
explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the
matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown
children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
“Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

10. “Viagra. The quicker dicker upper”
9. “Here’s the beef!”
8. “Get a piece of the rock”
7. “You’ve come a long way, baby”
6. “Viagra, it plumps when you take ‘em”
5. “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. “Tastes great, more filling”
3. “Viagra, built ram tough”
2 “Just do her”

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. “This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?”