A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the
FATHER.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for
starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed,
the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick
it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at
how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer
was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch!

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns
over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

A guy walks into the psychiatrist office wearing only shorts
made from Glad Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The
doctor told him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing
wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the
body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father
when he died?”

The 60 year old responded, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he and is he
very active?”

The 60 year old responded, “Well, he is 82 years old and he
still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times
a week during the summer.”

The doctor couldn’t believe it. “Well, how old was your
grandfather when he died?”

The 60 year old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you
are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are
alive? Is your grandfather very active?”

The 60 year old said, “He goes skiing at least once a season
and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,” said
the patient, “my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he
is getting married again.”

The doctor said, “At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather
want to get married?”

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”

A fellow went to a doctor who told him that he had a bad illness
and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor.
After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if
there was anything he could do.

“What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70s or early ’80s
model Dodge Pickup,” said the pastor. “Then go get married to the
ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house
in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”

The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?”

“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have
seem like forever.”

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and
that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man
sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were
three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y
jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my
first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove
is for, but what’s the beer for?”

At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
nurse, “Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!”

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache.”

“Perfect,” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering
my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,
it’s up to you!

A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles,
causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case
of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like
him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed,
the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a
sharp pain, then the doctor said, “Right, your done. Insert
the next one in about five hours. If you can’t mange it yourself,
ask your wife to give you a hand.”

The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience.
About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself,
but he couldn’t get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife
to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his
shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a
scream.

“Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be,” his wife
said.

“It’s not that,” he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face
was as white as a ghost.

His wife asked him, “What is it then?”

He replied, “When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands
on my shoulders.”

** Buster! Come back with that! Bad dog!
** Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
** Hand me that… that uh… thingie.
** Well I guess that just about sews it up! Little joke there!
** Oh no, where’s my Rolex?
** Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml. of this stuff before?
** Who’s been sipping from the anesthetic bottle again?
** Your scalpel-hand is shaking, Johnson.
** There-go the lights again…
** Quick! Call the plastic surgeon!
** Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. This guy’s got to of ‘em.
** Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
** Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my
concentration off.
** What’s this doing here?
** I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.
** Sterile, schmeril. The floor’s clean, right?
** What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?
** Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
** Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
** What do you mean, you want a divorce?
** Fire! Fire! Everyone get out!
** Hey!!!! Page 47 of this manual is missing!
** That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
** Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
** Someone call the janitor–we’re going to need a mop.
** I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
** Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
** Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
** Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
** She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.
Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, “No, you have another
43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even
had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much
more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while
crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the
hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you
said I had another 40 years?” God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”