A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and
left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning,
the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in
a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed
okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her
chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she
slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed
back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all
morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was
adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

Games for hospital waiting rooms:

Surgery: Operation, Life

Oncology or Patient Relations: Sorry

Neurology: Concentration, Boggle

Mental Health: Crazy Eights, Solitaire, Outburst

Gastroenterology: Chutes and Ladders, Go Fish, Poker, Dungeons
and Dragons, Lincoln Logs

Administration: Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly

Eating Disorders: Hungry Hungry Hippos

Finance: Trouble

Diabetes Center: Candyland

Plastic Surgery: Mr. Potato Head

Payroll: Payday

Rehab: Twister

Parkinson’s Center: Jenga

Travel Clinic: Ants in the Pants

Infectious Disease: Cooties, Risk

Geriatric Medicine: Bingo

Gene Therapy: Barrel of Monkeys

Urology: Upwards

Cardiology: Hearts

Orthopedics: Pinball

Cafeteria: Mousetrap

Podiatrics: Tic Tac Toe

ARTERY–The study of fine paintings.

BARIUM–What you do when CPR fails.

BENIGN–What you are after you be 8.

CAESAREAN SECTION–A district in Rome.

COLIC–A sheep dog.

COMA–A punctuation mark.

CONGENITAL–Friendly.

DILATE–To live longer.

FESTER–Quicker.

G.I. SERIES–Baseball game between teams of soldiers.

GRIPPE–A suitcase.

HANGNAIL–A coat hook.

MEDICAL STAFF–A Doctor’s cane.

MINOR OPERATION–Coal digging.

MORBID–A higher offer.

NODE–Was aware of.

ORGANIC–Church musician.

OUTPATIENT–A person who has fainted.

POST-OPERATIVE–A letter carrier.

PROTEIN–In favor of young people.

SECRETION–Hiding anything.

SEROLOGY–Study of English knighthood.

TABLET–A small table.

TUMOR–An extra pair.

URINE–Opposite of you’re out.

VARICOSE VEINS–Veins which are very close together.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed
and said, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting
15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such
incompetence!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have
a word with him. Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead
of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greenskeeper replied, “Oh yes, that’s a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from
a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s
so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do
for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

The following “memo” — apparently by some staff prankster
– was faxed to the Medical Records Department of a Spokane
hospital.

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide
security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber
revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12
rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to
routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet
will be provided for patrolling the park areas.

In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will
now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit
secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and
security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial
duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be
fed will need to let their families know to bring something,
or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino’s, etc., before
meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in
the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other
calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops
will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus
providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean
environment. Family-members and friends of patients and
ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the room of
non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final
bills. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the “FROM” line above, administration is
assuming groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot
be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that
you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower,
weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed
to the TIME-LIFE “How to…” series of maintenance books.
These books can be checked out from administration, and a
toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We
will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every
other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but
if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it
as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by
only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are
already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the
two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround
time required by Eckerd’s photo lab. Two prints will be
provided for the price of one, and physicians are being
advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want
extra sets. Eckerd’s will also honor competitors’ coupons
for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if
you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them
to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the
electric company has been asked to install individual meters
in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical
consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans
will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift
shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the
collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided
on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining
employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce.
The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy
for nocosomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
will also be available for purchase through the hospital
pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only
antibiotics listed on the HMOs’ formulary.

The doctor was examining a young model who was having
tremendous pain in her side.

“My dear, you have acute appendicitis,” the doctor said.

The woman became quite angry and said, “Don’t try hitting on
me doctor, I just want to be examined, not complimented.”

It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the
court in the small town, and if found guilty, the defendant
would spend the rest of his life behind bars.

The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though
there was no direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was
quote compelling.

The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the
minds of the jurors. His only hope was to attack the
testimony of the medical examiner.

Lawyer: “And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you
check his pulse”?

Doctor: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you perform CPR?”

Doctor: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you do anything to determine if the victim was
still alive prior to declaring him dead?”

Doctor: “No.”

Lawyer: “Then, Doctor, isn’t it possible that prior to
declaring the victim dead that, in fact, he may have been
alive and that it was your negligence that caused the death?”

Doctor: “Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I
suppose he could have been out practicing law.”

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapists office. The doctor
asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished,
the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse,” and charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor,
then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to
find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s
married and we can’t go to her house - I’m married and we can’t
go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges
$78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare.”

A blonde a brunette and a redhead all in the doctors office
waiting to be examined.
The redhead said “I’m having a boy” “Well how do you know?”
they asked.
“I was on top” she answered
The brunette said “then I’m having a girl as I was on bottom”
The blonde started crying and screamed “Oh my, I’m having puppies!!”

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly
gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify
themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said: “I was a
pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities.”

St. Peter said, “You can enter.”

The second doctor said “I was a psychiatrist. I helped people
rehabilitate themselves.”

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, “I was an HMO
manager helped people get cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter said, “You can come in too.” But as the HMO manager
walked by, St. Peter added, “You can stay three days. After that,
you can go to hell.”