A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said doctor, “Get a hot mama and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that! I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!”

One day this guy went to the doctor and said, “Doc, I really feel bad, can you do some tests?”

The doctor did some tests and said, “I’ll call you when they’re done and we can talk over the phone, ok?”

The guy said, “OK,” and went home and did his daily routine.

One morning he woke up and the phone rang. He picked it up and it was the doctor. The doctor said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

The guy said, “Well, what is the good news?”

The doctor said, “You have 24 hours to live.”

The guy said, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

The doctor said, “I forgot to call you yesterday.”

There once was a man with a permanent erection. Try as he might, he couldn’t get it to go down. Finally he went to his doctor, who happened to be a female.

“I’d like to speak to a male doctor,” he said.

The woman replied, “I’m a professional. I run this clinic with my sister, who is also a professional. Anything you can tell a man, you can tell us.”

“Ok,” he said. “I have a permanent erection. What can you give me for it?”

“Hmmm,” she replied. “I’ll go into my office and confer with my sister.”

After a minute, she returned and said, “We’ll give you $25,000 and half the business profits.”

An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. “It’s really more of a nuisance than a problem,” she explains, “They’re silent and they don’t smell.” The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

She returns and says, “I don’t know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!”

The M.D. replies, “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll see what we can do for your hearing.”

An old man had a doctor’s appointment and was very hard of hearing so he took his wife with him to help. When they got into the examining room, the doctor told the old man to take off his shirt.

The old man turned to the wife and shouted, “What did he say?” and the wife got closer in his ear and yelled, “Take your shirt off!” The old man nodded and took his shirt off.

The doctor then asked the old man to tilt his head back so that he could have a better look down his throat.

The old man shouted, “What?” and the the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, “Tilt your head back and open your mouth.” The old man nodded and tilted his head back.

When this was all over, the doctor said, “OK, now all I need is a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample.

The old man yelled, “What?” and the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, “The doctor wants your underpants!”

A man goes to the doctor, “Doctor, my penis is orange. What can I do about it?”

Doctor scratches his head and says, “I’ve never seen anything like it. Take these pills and come back in a week and see if there are any changes”.

The guy comes back in a week, his penis is still orange.

Doctor says, “Let’s see if we can figure out what is causing this. Tell me about your life-style”.

Guy says, “I’m single, live alone, just a normal type.”

Doctor: “How do you spend your evenings?”

“I like to watch porn videos and eat Cheetos. Why?”

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grapes using only your tongue. Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…”

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.

The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.”

“Wow, that’s wonderful.”

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. so I can enter medical school when I get out.”

Room after room they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally he was persuaded to open it.

Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?”

“I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here!”

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..” He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I, myself, suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength, and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.”

Two weeks go by and the man is back, “Well, how do you feel?”

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a single headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. Oh and, by the way, you have a lovely home.”

Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist’s office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions. The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: “Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!”

“Why,” exclaimed the woman, “you’re absolutely right, doctor!”

Then it was the second woman’s turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: “Madam, you’re obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!”

“You’re right, doctor!” exclaimed the second woman and left.

The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: “What rubbish! I don’t believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!”

Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: “Let’s go home now Dick.”