Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist’s office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions. The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: “Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!”

“Why,” exclaimed the woman, “you’re absolutely right, doctor!”

Then it was the second woman’s turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: “Madam, you’re obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!”

“You’re right, doctor!” exclaimed the second woman and left.

The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: “What rubbish! I don’t believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!”

Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: “Let’s go home now Dick.”

A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say “Eighty-eight.”

“Eighty-eight,” she purred.

“Good. Now I’m going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say ‘Eighty-eight.’”

“Eighhty…eighhhhtttt.”

“Fine. Now I’m going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say ‘Eighty-eight.’”

“One, two, three, four, five…”

A man is talking to the family doctor. “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”

The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”

“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”

“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, “No, everything is fine.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“I’m sure,” I said.

“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.

“I reckon not,” I replied.

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this story have to do with your leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”

“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That’s right,” says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.

“Yes,” the woman says, “you’re checking for any lumps of breast cancer.”

“That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license
in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you SO worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE . . . . .

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’! ve always loved you in that robe.

The definition of PMS……..Pack My Suitcase

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily
functions.

One 70-year-old says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning
at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”

An 80-year-old says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit
there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a
bowel movement.”

The 90-year-old says, “At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap
like a cow”

“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until nine.”

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a
study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional
brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to
question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

“How much does it cost for engineer brain?”

“Three dollars an ounce.”

“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”

“Four dollars an ounce.”

“How much for lawyer brain?”

“$1,000 an ounce.”

“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”

Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce
of brain?”

Recently, when a hospital panel, made up of doctors, was asked
to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, this is what
happened _____

The allergists voted to scratch it.

The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

The parasitologists said, “well, if you encyst.”

The pathologists yelled, “over my dead body!”

The pediatricians said, “grow up.”

The proctologists said, “we are in arrears.”

The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it.

The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.

The plastic surgeons said, “this puts a whole new face on the matter.”

The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

The urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

And the cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of
a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the
next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their
best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the
cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box
of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer
did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against
a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what
had transpired.

“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the
cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once,” John explained.

“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough” Bob shouted angrily.

“Sure it will” John said, pointing at the man leaning on
the lamp post. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”