There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was
bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the
operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor
said, “We’ll just take a big hunk off the end.” They discussed
it and decided that would affect his sensitivity. The second
doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk out of the middle
of it.” They discussed it and decided it would change the
texture and feel of it. The third doctor said, “We’ll just
take a big hunk off the base of it.” They discussed it and
said that would give him erection problems. The doctors looked
at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse
cried, “Can’t we just make his legs longer?”

Suzie went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems
with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did
not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he
asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you’re having sex?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“Well, how did he look?”
“Very angry.”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said,
“Well Suzie, that’s very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband’s face once
during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw
his face that time?”
“He was looking through the window at us.”

A man is at the dentist’s office for a routine appointment when
the dentist notices that the patient’s plate is severely corroded,
but can’t figure out why.

The dentist says to the patient, “I’ve noticed that your plate is
severely corroded. Have you had a change in your diet recently?”

To which the patient replies, “Why yes sir. Six months ago my wife
introduced me to eggs benedict. I fell in love with the hollandaise
sauce and now I put it on everything.”

“That’s it! The hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice which is very
acidic. That explains the corrosion of your plate. I can replace your
plate, but I have to make it out of chrome.”

“Why chrome?”, asks the patient.

“Why don’t you know? There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”

Suzie went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems
with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did
not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he
asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you’re having sex?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“Well, how did he look?”
“Very angry.”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said,
“Well Suzie, that’s very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband’s face once
during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw
his face that time?”
“He was looking through the window at us.”

You know you’re drinking too much coffee when…

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people’s fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named “Joe”.
You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
You don’t tan, you roast.
You can’t even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.

Afterbirth — when the hard part begins.

Cravings — an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation — one of those things a pregnant woman has to take
her doctor’s word for.

Elastiphobia — fear of making it into the Guinness Book of
World Records for “Most Stretch Marks.”

First trimester — the first three months of pregnancy when you
wonder, “Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?”

Maternity clothes — what a pregnant woman wears to show people
there’s a reason she’s fat.

Miracle — 1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to
tell about it.

Obstetrician — the doctor who tells you you’re doing fine when
you think you’re caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant pause — the amount of time it takes for a nine- month
pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

Prenatal — when your life was still your own.

Pushing — the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an
opening the size of a dime.

Second trimester — the time when you ask the question, “Will my
husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef
before he gets home?”

Third trimester — the final months of pregnancy when you wonder,
“How much longer can I keep from waddling?”

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been
in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about
all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator,
wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires
and dials.

“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.

“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”

“It’s just a cold,” the doctor said. “There is no cure, and you’ll
just have to live with it until it goes away.”

“But Doctor,” the patient whined, “it’s making me so miserable.”

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, “Look,
go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run
around the block three or four times.”

“What!” the patient exclaimed. “I’ll get pneumonia!”

“We have a cure for pneumonia,” the doctor said.

A lady in her late 40’s went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.

The doctor told her of a new procedure called “The Knob.” This small
knobMis planted on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to
tighten up theMskin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift
forever. Of course the woman wanted “the Knob.”

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.

“All these years everything had been working just fine. I’ve had to
turn the knob on lots of occasions and I’ve loved the results. However,
now I have developed two annoying problems. First of all I have got
these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor looked at her and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your
breasts.”

She replied, “Well, I guess that explains the goatee.”

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He
answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She
directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the
counter.

She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?

He answers, “You see, it’s like this; yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a
tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have
to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!”