“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect
a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question
which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates,
that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around
the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh,
“You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must
confess I don’t know much about history.”

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital Swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary’s
heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news &
bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you
were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think
you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so
sorry, but he’s dead.”

Mary replied “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”

Benign……………………..What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria……………………Back door to cafeteria.
Barium…………………….What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section………A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan…………………….Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize………………….Made eye contact with her.
Colic………………………..A sheep dog.
Coma……………………….A punctuation mark.
D&C………………………..Where Washington is.
Dilate……………………….To live long.
Enema……………………..Not a friend.
Fester………………………Quicker than someone else.
Fibula………………………A small lie.
G.I.Series…………………World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail………………….What you hang your coat on.
Impotent………………….Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain………………Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff……………A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid…………………….A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates……………………Cheaper than day rates.
Node………………………..I knew it.
Outpatient……………….A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear……………….A fatherhood test.
Pelvis……………………….Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative…………A letter carrier.
Recovery Room………..Place to do upholstery.
Rectum……………………Damn near killed him.
Secretion…………………Hiding something
Seizure…………………….Roman emperor.
Tablet……………………..A small table.
Terminal Illness………Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor…………………….More than one.
Urine………………………Opposite of mine.
Varicose………………….Near by/close by

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as
dictated by physicians.

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert
but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past
three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

*She is numb from her toes down.

*The skin was moist and dry.

*Patient was alert and unresponsive.

*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of
drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s
society.

DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when
they got lost compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent
asked for directions.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely
to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new
one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge
to perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and
little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this
drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want
to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family
members.

CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically
fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste
caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in
the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs
of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects
into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular,
Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one
of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit
guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to screw his
patients. However, a little voice in his head said, “lots of other
doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you’re the
first…”
… This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his
head said, “of course, they probably weren’t vets….”

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with
no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred
to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor
asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get
these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and..”. He is interrupted by the doctor, “And
a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear”.

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist,
you know. But I myself suffered from that same type
of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension
in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every
day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she
would squeeze her legs together with all her strength
and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head.
Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let
me know how it goes”. Two weeks go by and the man is
back, “Well, how do you feel?”

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

A man in his 40’s goes in for a physical. The doctor says “I have good
news and I have bad news.”
The man says, “Give me the bad news first.”
Doc says, “There is a problem with your penis, you can only get a few
more erections, and then you won’t have any more for the rest of your
life.”
The man says, “What in the world is the good news?”
Doc says, “We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan your use of
them accordingly.”
The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering his
situation, and how to confront his wife.
When he gets home he tells her, “Honey, I have good news, and I have bad
news.”
She says, “Give me the good news.”
He says, “I can only have 25 more erections, and then I can’t have any
more, ever.”
She says, “We can work around that, we will just make a list and only
use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill our desires, and
make the most out of each one, what in the world is the bad news?”
He says, “I made a list, and you aren’t on it..”

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been
feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup,
the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have
much time,” the doctor says.

“Oh no, that’s terrible! How long have I got?” the man asks.

“10..” says the doctor.

“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

“10… 9… 8… 7…”

An old hearing-impaired gentleman was visiting his doctor. The
doctor just informed him warned to be careful, as he had a heart
murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow
out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took
him aside. “Don’t you remember what I told you the other day?!”
he inquired.

“Oh, I surely do.” the old gent replied. “Best dang advice I ever
had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I’m cheerful!”